Navigating Conflicts At Work

Hell is other people.  This was one of my mother’s favorite sayings.  Some days other people are fun and some days they’re hell.  

If you find yourself mumbling, why can’t everyone see things the way I do, or I’m right and everyone else is stupid, it’s time to take a bigger view.  It takes two to tango, and you need to  to take responsibility for your role in your relationships.

Have a Champion Mindset:

People have different personalities, strengths, levels of knowledge and experience.  That’s the joy and the hassle.  You’re going to encounter people who are different from you and who see the world differently.  When you’re at the top of your professional game, when you’re a champion – capable, strong, and confident - you’ll figure out how to make these differences work for you.  If you have strengths in ABC and your coworker has strengths in DEF, you’ll set personal feelings aside and figure out how to partner. 

When you aren’t at the champion level, you might feel insecure about your capabilities or the security of your position.  As a result, you view these differences as either a threat or a spotlight shining down on what you perceive to be your weaknesses. 

Champions focus on their strengths and on what works.  “Be interested in finding the best way, not in having your own way.”  (John Wooden)

Who’s Right, Who’s Wrong – Who Cares:

Sometimes style differences can cause conflicts.  It doesn’t mean someone is better or more right – just different.  Here are a couple of examples:

• You’re a big picture person and your boss is focused on the details - OK, they’re a micro-manager.  Their constant questioning and looking over your shoulder has gotten insulting.  Don’t fall into the trap of thinking their need to micro-manage has anything to do with your capabilities.  It could be a result of their background; e.g., they came from a highly tactical, operational job into a more strategic function.  But it could also be an indication of their own insecurities; i.e., they’re new to their job or new to being at their level.  There are multiple approaches you can take depending on the circumstances.  Discuss what they need from you.  Perhaps they need predictability, or frequent updates.  You might need to negotiate some of these relationship terms.  Of course if they do have concerns about your capabilities, don’t wait for your performance review to find that out.  Try to get those things to come to surface ASAP so you can work on them.

• You may be in a job that’s the wrong situation for your strengths.  It doesn’t mean you’re not capable, you’re just in the wrong job.  You may be a decisive, get-it-done activator type.  Your approach is all about speed, and your motto is:  fix and fall forward.  There are organizations that value your comfort with risk, ability to make smart decisions quickly and learn on the go.  However, if you’re working for an organization where the nature of the business requires that things be heavily researched, analyzed and confirmed before they’re rolled out, you’ll be frustrated and they’ll be frustrated with you.  

If you have an unresolvable style difference with your company or your boss, don’t let it undermine your confidence.  It doesn’t mean you’re not capable, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything bad about  your current situation.  It’s just not right for you.  It’s time to find a situation that’s a better fit.

If you’re embroiled in a personality conflict, step back to see different sides of the situation, acknowledge other styles and points of view and try to let go of your own emotional response.  Don’t roll over and whimper and don’t put up with daily negativity.  Life's too short.  Find a path through the conflicts or find your way out of the maze. 

3 Traps Keeping You Caged In Your Job

Work is a big part of our lives.  Sometimes it’s just a job – maybe a good job or a not-so-good job.  However, sometimes you want your work to be more than a job.  You’ve reached a point in your life where you want your work to be an expression of your soul’s purpose or your passion or you want to make a contribution in a way that’s meaningful and fulfilling to you. 

If you’re currently in a J-O-B and it’s time to move to a deeper level, you’ve got some big changes on the horizon.  I speak to many people who are standing on that cliff looking across the chasm to where they want to go but they just can’t get themselves to make that leap.

First of all, if you’re standing on the cliff looking across the chasm and can envision your destination, congratulate yourself.  You’re further along your journey than many people who want to find work with a deeper meaning, but the other side is shrouded in fog.

So what’s stopping you from making that leap?  Your heart is saying go, go, go!  But something else is saying no, no, no.

Here are three things that may have turned your current job and career path into a cage.

Your ego.  Does your sense of your own worth come from what you do for a living?  There are a lot of ways this manifests.  Perhaps you’ve worked your butt off over the years and climbed the ladder to a management or senior management position.  You’re proud of your accomplishments, and you like the fact that you have a title that earns you respect.  In fact, you like it more than you actually like your job.  When you step onto a different ladder, you’ll probably have to start at a lower level or perhaps you’re going to start up your own company where you’ll be doing every menial thing at first.  Either way, if you can’t stand the idea of giving up your title and position of authority, you’re trapped.

Money, money money.  You make great money – more than enough to pay your basic living expenses.  This enables you to live a lifestyle filled with perks and yummy extras.  In addition to that lifestyle, the amount of money you make is a tangible way to count your worth.  This is often a non-negotiable base requirement for any change – you must be guaranteed to make the same amount of money or you’re not moving no matter how miserable you are.  But life doesn’t come with guarantees, so you’re trapped again.

Fear.  Change is scary, the unknown is scary, risk is scary.  All of the media hype about the tight job market, the unemployment rate, and the stories about the struggles of the long-term unemployed just reinforce how risky it is to even think about making a change even within your same industry.  The idea of striking out in a different direction is absolutely terrifying!  What if you make a mistake, or what if the learning curve is really high on that new career path.  It’s safer just to stay put and hope that someone finds you or some opportunity falls in your lap while you’re dreaming of unicorns.

After a number of years another fear takes hold when you realize you’ve wasted the best years of your life in a job you didn’t like just because you were too proud, too greedy or too timid to take a chance. 

There’s a great quote:  Change will come when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.   I’m amazed at the amount of emotional people will endure, and it's almost never worth it. 

Regardless of whether you want to change jobs at this time or not, assess whether your job is a J-O-B vs something deeper and ask yourself whether that’s OK.  If it’s not OK, take a look at whether any of the traps might be holding you back.  Awareness is the first step towards a change.  Then you can let the genie out of the bottle and dare to envision what you’d really like to be doing. 

Here’s another quote to set you on that path:  Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. (Anais Nin)

Recipe for Your Dream Job

On a gloomy Monday morning, do you dream of finding your dream job?  That ideal position which feeds both our soul and your pocketbook?  Does it sometimes feel like you’re on a mythic quest to find the unicorn? What if you never find it?  What if it doesn’t exist? 

Well, it does exist, but instead of looking at job descriptions, think of it like being in a relationship.  We spend years looking for Mr/Ms Right, but a dream relationship isn’t just about the other person.  It has as much to do with you being the right person. 

A couple of week’s ago I met Noemi at a dinner party.  After being laid off, she had found her dream job.  We met again a few days later to swap information about our businesses, and I got a chance to ask about her journey.  Here’s my recipe for your dream job and her story.

Start with:  Who You Are

How would you describe yourself?   Are you a warrior, a healer, a teacher, an inventor?  Don’t think in terms of a job (police officer, nurse, school teacher, engineer), but think of your character – your essence.  If you could sum yourself up, who are you? 

Noemi’s story:  The first thing Noemi said was “I have an entrepreneurial spirit.”  Starting from a young age she owned her own businesses including a retail store selling jewelry and accessories.  She loved the independence and self-determination of being a business owner.

Then add in:  Your interests

What are you interested in, passionate about, drawn to?  Again, don’t think of a job description, but think of where your mind goes and figure out the underlying theme.  For example, when you open the newspaper or magazine, what do you read first? 

My favorite books have always been biographies, especially historical biographies.  I’m fascinated by what makes people tick, what kinds of decisions they make in their lives, how they overcame adversity, how were they influenced by events of the day, who they loved. 

Noemi’s story:  of all the activities required to run her own business, Noemi enjoyed the financial aspects.  Margins in retail are notoriously slim, so when she decided to look for a job that paid more and paid more consistently, she went into banking. 

Finally, stir in:  Your Contribution

What contribution do you want to make?  Here are two key questions

• Who do you want to help?
• Who do you want to be a hero to? 

Everyone I’ve spoken with who says they’re in their dream job felt they were making some type of contribution outside of themselves.  They’re helping someone in some way.  So whether you want to help individuals recover from cancer, create value for shareholders, or leave the earth cleaner for future generations – you decide.

Noemi’s story:  Noemi wanted to help people create financial security because this had been a central theme in her life.

So what did Noemi end up with after being laid off?  She’s now a financial advisor for a large mutual fund company.  She has the independence of finding, servicing, and retaining her own clients, she’s working in the financial services industry, and she’s helping people create financial security.  She’s hit that sweet spot. 

When you blend all of the elements, you will begin to walk towards your dream job.  It could be anything – that’s the joy and frustrating thing about it.  Just like finding your dream relationship, your dream job isn’t about finding that one perfect, specific position.  It’s about blending who you are, what you’re interested in, and who you want to help with the opportunities you find and create. 

Oh, and it changes over time as you get to know yourself better, discover new interests, or experience great challenges or loss.  So why not get started on that journey of discovery today?

3 Tips For Getting Clear on Your Goals

Alice came to a fork in the road.  “Which road do I take?” she asked.

“Where do you want to go?” responded the Cheshire cat.

“I don’t know,” Alice answered.

“Then,” said the cat, “it doesn’t matter.”

(Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland)

When you don’t have goals, you’re like Alice, wandering around in a strange land. 

Sometimes, however, we don’t want to set goals because we’ve been disappointed by past shortfalls.  Sometimes we want something different but we don’t know what.  We have long lists of what we don’t want because it’s easier to identify our pain than our pleasure. 

It’s important that goals be clear, and relevant to where you are on your journey right now.  Perhaps at one time you had a goal to have a certain type of job – a senior executive position, top salesperson, or owning your business.  Then life happened.  You had kids, your spouse lost their job, you lost your job or got divorced, or you finally admitted that your chosen career doesn’t light your fire anymore, if it ever did. 

Goals should support you on your journey like a compass providing direction.  They shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself or be what someone else wants for you, even your own self five years ago.  Check in with your goals on a regular basis.  I do this at New Years, but anytime will do. 

Here are my three favorite tips for getting clear about your goals.

1.     Instead of thinking about what you want to do, have or accomplish, think about how you want to feel and work your way back from there.  If you want to feel happy and energized in your job, it’s possible you can create that feeling in your current situation perhaps by changing your perspective or taking on new responsibilities.  Or it might become really clear that you’ll never have that feeling in your current job so it’s time to look for something new.

Put on your ‘coach’ hat and ask questions to peel back the layers.

For example:  How can I reorganize my day so I have time to work out?  That’s a pragmatic time management question, and I can come up with lots of options that will look great on paper.  If I dig a little deeper, I would ask:  How can I reorganize my day to have the time to work out so that I enjoy it.  OK, that’s a different question and calls for a different answer.  The time management answer probably had me getting up an hour earlier (which I hate), but when I require joy as part of the solution, I come up with options like finding a walking buddy or taking a class.  Then I can tackle the time management piece.

2.     Plant a seed and let your brain go to work.  Our minds are amazing computers, but to solve big problems they need time to process.  In my corporate job my staff learned to bring problems or questions to me towards the end of the day.  My brain was full, so I couldn’t give them an answer on the spot, but once I got into the car driving home the answers would bubble up.  So plant the seed then a break.

3.     Language is key.  Have you ever tried to recall a dream and have it just fade away as you try to describe it?  In my coaching practice I use assessments with all of my clients.  They are an objective third voice that provides needed perspective, and they put language around vague concepts.  The more you can put words and pictures around what you want, the more concrete and real your goals will become.  I love dream boarding.  I use a bulletin board and then rifle through magazines to find pictures and words that inspire me and convey what I want or how I want to feel.  Try it!  Using a bulletin board lets you easily make changes and improvements as you become more clear.

Try these tips work for both your personal and professional goals and share your comments below. 

5 Signs It’s Time to Change Jobs

Some days at work are better than others.  However, when you can’t remember the last time you had a ‘better’ day, it may be time to look for a new job or a new company.

We all want the same things from our jobs as other key relationships including mutual respect, a feeling of belonging, appreciation and being challenged to be our best.  Like any other relationship there are obvious signs that you need to get out NOW like being physically, emotionally, or verbally abused, bullied, or sexually harassed.  

Outside of the obvious, here are five important signs it’s time for a change. 

1. Values disconnect.  We make decisions based on the values which are most important to us such as integrity, security, authenticity, or autonomy.  When something associated with our job goes against one of those values, the situation becomes intolerable.  I had a client who came to me after receiving a bad performance review and written warning for termination.  She felt a senior manager was gunning for her because she refused to sign off on something that was not in compliance with governing regulations.  She became engaged in an escalating battle that had reached the president.  I asked how she felt about working for a company who would continue to consider or consider not changing something once compliance issues were identified.  That was an eye-opener for her.  I don’t know whether she was correct about the regulatory issue, but it doesn’t matter.  It ran against one of her core values which made it a no-win situation. 
2. Not feeling the love.  We all want to be recognized and appreciated; we all want to be challenged and know there are opportunities for advancement.  It's important to work for managers who support your career goals.  A friend’s daughter is a junior staffer in marketing at a large corporation who wants to get promoted.  Her manager says she doesn't have time to work with her to plot a path to the next level, so she keeps trying to show her dedication, taking on extra work, thinking of new ideas, training new employees.  Instead of getting her considered for promotion, it appears she's being taken advantage of.  I asked why she doesn’t look for a different job in that company with a manager who would support her ambition.  She doesn’t want to look for something else; she wants her current manager to recognize her.  Until she moves her ego out of the equation, she’ll continue to feel like a kicked puppy.
3. No role models.  During a session with a client who was feeling stuck, I asked her to find a role model amongst the women senior managers at her company.  Her response was immediate.  She didn’t aspire to be like any of the women senior managers because they were bullies.  It was clear to her that to be a successful woman executive in that company required a pattern of behavior that wasn’t the type of person she wanted to be.   That doesn’t make it a bad company, just not the right company for her.  She’s now happily employed elsewhere.
4. End of the road.  Sometimes you look around and just don’t see any other job in your company that you want to do.  That happened to me when I worked for a mid-size software company.  After being with them for seven years there wasn’t anything else I wanted to do there.  If you’ve topped out or reached the end of the road, it’s time to put sentiment aside and take your experience to a bigger playground.
5. Toxic overload.  For years people told me I would be great in sales.  So I leveraged my experience and got a job selling localization services to software companies.  What a disaster!  It entailed hours cold calling trying to book appointments, putting together proposals and then arguing about pennies per word.  After a few months I was just beaten down, depressed and despondent. A friend said, “this job is toxic for you.”  How right she was!  There are people who thrive in sales, but it wasn’t the right job for me.

I’m sure there are lots more signs, but if any of these five pop onto your radar, think seriously about making a change.  Refresh your resume, strengthen ties with key people in your network, and start looking.