The Platinum Rule

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  The Golden Rule.  This teaching, in some form, exists in all of the world’s religions and has guided societies across cultures through the ages.  It speaks to extending your own humanity to others.

Let me introduce you to the Platinum Rule:  Do unto others as they need.  It doesn’t have the same pizzazz – the same level of name recognition as The Golden Rule, but I hope it will become one of your guiding principles as it has become one of mine. 

I can trace the seeds back to my childhood.  I adored my father.  He wasn’t around much when I was growing up.  His job at Boeing kept him on the road for months at a time.  As his only daughter we always had a special connection, and we got really close after he retired.

Dad’s been gone now for over 15 years, and I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t think about him or want to discuss something with him.

Dad had a difficult and lonely childhood growing up in New Orleans.  He didn’t talk about it much, but he used to tell me stories of going to Texas A & M just before World War II when hazing was integral to that school’s culture.  Imagine a little blonde girl sitting in bed listening to her Dad tell stories about running at night with his classmates across a field being chased by a mob of upper classmen who would beat up the slower runners.  He was proud that he survived, and he felt like a part of something, I think, for the first time in his life.  It gave me nightmares

During college he was a great tennis player.  When I heard that I asked him for lessons.  He said, I’ll only play with you when you get good enough.  I got the same response when I asked him to teach me to how to play gin rummy.  Mom said in the Army he earned lots of extra money because he was such a card shark.  Again, he wouldn’t play with me until I got good enough.  

Looking back after he died, I see that he was trying to motivate me, encouraging me to learn and grow by giving me goals to work towards.

He followed his version of the Golden Rule.  He did the best he knew how to do based on how he was raised and who he was as a person. I truly believe he would be devastated if he knew that instead of inspiring me to achieve his words made me feel small, insignificant and not good enough.  How I wish he’d followed the Platinum Rule with me.

You see, while I love my Dad, I’m a different person.  What inspired and motivated him didn’t inspire and motivate me.  In fact, it had the opposite affect.

When I became a manager 30 some odd years ago, I made a real mess of things at first.  In fact, I had to fire my first employee because I was such a bad manager.  Luckily I got the opportunity to keep learning, and the Platinum Rule became my key to success.

I remembered what it felt like to not be recognized for being me.  I remembered that the wrong words or type of motivation, no matter how well intentioned, could stop me in my tracks.  Over the years I learned to make the effort to really see my staff  – their strengths and talents, how they learn and what motivated them.

It took extra effort on my part, but nothing was more rewarding for me than to watch people step into their full potential while producing above and beyond results. 

The Golden Rule has been a foundation of societies for centuries.  When it really matters, though, when it comes to the most important people in our life whether family, friends, or coworkers, follow the Platinum Rule.   Recognize what’s unique and special about those key people and then find ways to give them what they need, no matter how different that is from what you need and want. 

What Can One Person Do?

When I first watched An Inconvenient Truth, I remember feeling so overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed, heartbroken, angry, frustrated.  The situation with the environment is so dire.  I just sat and cried.

Have you ever felt like that?  Have you ever cared about changing something, fixing something, preserving something – felt it down to your core but felt small and powerless to make any real impact. 

Have you ever said, but I’m just me.  What can one person do?  How do I move from frustration to action?

So, what can one person do?  Actually a lot.  I believe that we all share a common purpose as humans:  we’re here to make the world a better place.  There was a sign at a local school recently that read:  the heart beats strongest when it beats for others. 

Not everyone can have or is going to have a global impact.  Perhaps making the world a better place starts in your home with your children or your local community.  There are so many wonderful ways that people are taking action and making a difference.  This is one case where size doesn’t matter – only intention and commitment.  The key is to take action on something that’s meaningful to you.

In 1980 Candy Lightner’s 13 year old daughter was killed by a repeat drunk driver.  Out of her grief and rage came Mothers Against Drunk Driving, one of the largest and most influential grassroots organizations in the country.

More Magazine is running a contest this year highlighting women who have found ways to create jobs for other women.  Contestants so far have included a woman who founded a non-profit organization that helps low income women in Northern California start successful businesses.  Another women has started an employment agency specializing in finding part-time jobs for moms who want to work out of their homes. 

So it’s possible for one person to make a big difference.  But what can you do?  You’ve got a full time job, a family, hobbies - a really full life.  You’ve got so much of so many things… except spare time.  There are multiple ways you can take action and make difference. 

First, make a contribution:  There are worthy organizations working on solving almost any problem you can think of. 

Contribute money.   Non profits are always grateful for donations big and small.  Contributions, though, aren’t just about money.  What else do you have to give? The Humane Society has a large volunteer program.  So do hospitals. 

Another way to make a difference is to be a spark.  Find your voice by activating your voice.  Do you have an idea?  Can you rally friends to take action?  Perhaps clean up and refurbish a park, or take a group of neighbors to a city council or school board meeting to make your views known.   One of my favorite quotes is from Margaret Mead:  A small group of thoughtful people can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. 

Lastly, be a role model.  You don’t have to single-handedly change the world.  Just change someone’s world.  Raise a wonderful, caring child.  Or be a mentor, either professionally or through organizations like Boys and Girls clubs. 

The action you take may change at different points in your life.  At times it may be all you can do to write a check.  At other times, you may be able to participate in a more hands-on way.  Don’t judge, just do what you can.

What can one person do?  A lot.

What can YOU do?  It depends, but I hope I’ve given you some ideas around making a contribution, being a spark, and being a role model.

The key question is:  what WILL you do?

I challenge you that whatever you’re currently doing to make the world a better place, be proud of your efforts but kick it up a notch.  It’s not too late to get started, and we’ll all benefit.   

3 Steps To A Career Makeover

Are you looking for a new job, thinking about looking for a new job, or just want to step it up in your current job?  It may be time for a make over.  Not the kind of makeover where you get a new haircut or buy new clothes.  I’m talking about changing how you present yourself at work. 

To present yourself differently, you need to see yourself differently.  Here are three ways to stand out from the crowd:

First, understand your strengths and structure everything around them. 

If you don’t know your strengths, head to the bookstore right now and buy a copy of StrengthsFinder 2.0.  Take the assessment and download the detailed report, which contains some great coaching for how to develop your natural talents.  Then write down three examples from your current or recent jobs where you’ve demonstrated each of your 5 top talent themes.  If you’re having trouble with this, ask your coworkers.

When I first took StrengthsFinder, my top talent theme was ‘strategic.’  I couldn’t see it.  After all, I didn’t have “Strategy” in my job title, and it felt presumptuous to say my top strength was being strategic.  When I asked my staff, they just laughed.  One person said, “Are you kidding?  You get this look on your face, you start waving your hands around, then you fill up a white board, and we have our work for the next two years.”  OK, that sounded strategic. 

The key to personal success is to do more of what you like to do, and we like to do what we’re naturally good at doing.  Think about it.  Wouldn’t you like to be paid well for doing what you love?

To move in this direction, you need to be conscious of your strengths and build around them.  That includes everything from the direction of your career to your daily activities, your resume, and examples you discuss in job interviews and performance reviews. 

Second, understand, acknowledge, and appreciate the value you create.

How do you create value?  Oftentimes, people aren’t conscious of this, like our strengths.  It’s so ingrained that we just take it for granted.  It’s invisible.  We’re focused on what we do because we’re driven by our calendars, to do lists, and the demands of others. 

When you’re in a job that’s an expression of your passion and purpose, you’re very aware of the value you create. Unfortunately not many of us have that kind of job…yet. 

Think back over your work experience and look for themes. Do you consistently:

Increase productivity?

Improve/contribute to teamwork or resolve conflicts?

Streamline a processes or procedures?

Identify needs or problems and initiate solutions?

Save time and money?

Function as an expert?

Make order out of chaos?

Bring people together around a common goal?

Come up with creative ideas? 

Focus on your contribution, not your job responsibilities and tasks.  When you begin to recognize and acknowledge your own value, others will, too.

I had a client who really struggled to see her value.  When I asked what her contribution was to her organization, she said that she keeps people’s spirits up.  She remembers peoples’ birthdays and did the holiday party planning.  Even to her it sounded junior once she said it out loud.  But we dug deeper and saw that she built strong relationships across the organization that resulted in people being willing to go the extra mile to help out with one of her projects if needed.  She went from having a self-image of a junior ‘party girl’ to someone who forged and maintained cross-functional relationships.  This changed her whole view of herself, her job, and her contribution.

Third, be your authentic self.

In a highly competitive job market where there are two or more candidates with the same experience, the person who lets their self come through is more likely to connect with the hiring manager and therefore more likely to get the offer.

Making a connection requires vulnerability.  Dare to put yourself out there with no guarantees.  Risk a connection.  It’s scary!  Do it anyway.

Patricia Fripp, one of the country’s top public speakers said,  “You’re hired more for who you are then what you know.”  She was talking about professional speakers, but I feel this is a truism across the board.

When The Going Gets Tough

I love quotes.  I keep a document on my laptop with my favorite sayings, and when I’m feeling down or befuddled, I read through them.  It’s like a private chat with a good friend or a coach.  I usually find some nugget of inspiration or a new way of looking at things that lifts me up and provides a fresh perspective.  Kind of a little reboot.

An oldie but a goodie is: when the going gets tough, the tough get going. 

This quote can be used a number of ways.  If the going gets tough and I’m in hiding-out mode, it inspires me to get back in the game, even though I don’t describe myself as ‘tough.’  I revise the quote to say, when the going gets tough, successful people get going.

Turn it into a game!  How many ways can you change this old saying?  Here are three more ideas:

When the going gets tough…the professional/grown-up gets help.

How many times have I seen this situation.  There’s a big mess, and someone will hunker down and try to figure it out or resolve it themselves.  They’re like an angry child protecting a toy yelling, “mine!  Get away!”  There are a couple of things going on here.  You’ve got a control freak who thinks they’re smarter than everyone else and if we’d all just leave them alone, they’d fix it. Or someone who feels that if the problem comes to light, they’ll get blamed for it and they don’t want anyone to see.  Either way, you’re dealing with someone who cares more about being right than getting a good result.  Grownups know that a team pulling together without big egos can produce much more powerful results than a single person or a really small team working off in a corner on their own.  Yes, it might take more effort to coordinate across a bigger group, and yes, compromises may be required.  But the outcome will almost always be a stronger, longer lasting, and more widely accepted solution.

When the going gets tough…it’s time to follow your gut and heart.

When things aren’t going well and we feel besieged, often we try to ‘think’ our way through.  We re-examine the evidence, pour over our well-laid plans, look at the numbers, and try to plot the logical route through the minefield.  In an effort to come up with the answers, we sometimes forget to check in with our best on-site consultants, our gut and our heart.  Creative answers don’t always lie in the data.  Sometimes what a situation calls for is a dose of intuition.  I speak with so many clients who have decades of experience, yet they doubt the ingrained inner knowing that has accumulated over the years.  Listening to your gut can yield some great out-of-the box creative thinking.  In some circumstances if you slow down, breath, and listen to your heart, that voice of truth will tell you that the situation or path you’re on doesn’t fit your life anymore.  It’s time to make a change, and whatever problem you’re trying to solve is not the real problem.  People seldom arrive at that moment of truth through thinking – it’s something they need to feel. 

When the going gets tough…it’s time to laugh.

One of my most endearing and beloved memories of the time my Dad died was how we, as a family, found and enjoyed humor up to the end.  Waiting in the pre-op area of the hospital before the surgery to remove my Dad’s esophagus (He had esophageal cancer.), Dad joked, “what am I doing?  I feel fine.  I don’t have any symptoms.”  When his surgeon, the epitome of cranky bedside manner, came in to chat, Dad repeated this comment.  His surgeon, with an absolute deadpan face and voice said, “then we’re gonna give you some. “ Mom, Dad, and I laughed so hard.  I think other people in the area thought we were nuts.  Were we running away from how scared we were feeling?  Perhaps, but it helped me deal with what turned out to be one of the last conversations with my father.  I love it that we laughed at such a time.

When the going gets tough, how do you respond?

Set Goals for Success

My niece, Nikki, is one of my heroes.  She knows what she wants, and she consistently makes decisions that take her in that direction.  When she gets gift certificates for her birthday or Christmas, she saves them up so she can have something she wants, unlike her aunt.  I’m instant gratification girl.  If I get a gift certificate I need to spend it.  It burns a hole in my wallet, and Now! Now! Now! isn’t soon enough to go shopping regardless of whether or not I need or want anything.

So goals are hard for me.  Well, setting goals isn’t hard.  In my years working in corporate America, planning was a big part of my job.  But sticking to the plan is a challenge for me especially if it something just for me vs doing something for someone else.  If this sounds like familiar, here are some ways to look differently at setting and attaining goals.

What do you really want.  It’s important to be clear about that.  How can you get something if you can’t name it?  Your goals and your intentions need to be specific.  Break them down to the core details so you understand them from all angles.  If you want to lose weight, what’s behind that goal?  To look better?  For health reasons?  Are you feeling a bit old and want to be ‘lean and mean’ again?  Are you in a dark place and want to stop hating how you look and therefore hating yourself?  The more honest you can be and the more detail you can uncover, the more options you can explore for how to reach your goal.

There’s a quote from Maya Angelou which inspired Oprah for years:  When you know better you’ll do better.  But even though we all know the health hazards of smoking, so many people struggle to quit.  Smokers I know cite a number of things they get from smoking:  pain relief, relaxation and stress relief, something to do with their hands and/or mouth.  Until they change their feelings about smoking, they’ll probably struggle trying to quite.  People change in response to their emotions, not knowledge and logic.  As you break down your goal and look at what’s driving you to have that goal, examine your feelings along the way.

Set goals that work for you.  For me, that’s shorter-term, actionable goals.  Losing 40 pounds may be the result you want, but at the safe and recommended 1.5 to 2 pounds a week, that’s  – yikes!  20 weeks aka 5 months as a best case, you rocked it, scenario.  If you like your gratification instant (like me), that’s way too long to wait.  However, if you set daily goals that take you in the direction you want to go, like having one meal a day be salad and doing 30 minutes of cardio 5 days a week, you can track progress to those specific, action-oriented goals and build on them over time.  

Along the lines of setting goals around action you can take daily, don’t defer your life until you reach your final destination.  If you want to pay off your debt in 2 years, try to incorporate some of the rewards of reaching that goal into your life sooner.   That’s not an invitation to spend like there’s no tomorrow.  Examine what paying down your debt means to you and how it will feel.  Does it mean freedom?  Or security?  Look for other ways to create those feelings for yourself today.

Every good plan has a contingency plan built in.  If you make short-term, daily/weekly action commitments, you can incorporate rewards and a support system along the way.   How will you stay accountable to your intentions?  The buddy system works great, so recruit a friend who has similar goals or is working towards something and keep each other motivated and on track.  Hiring a coach (like me!) is another great strategy.  When you put some skin in the game, your chances of success skyrocket. 

I can’t wait to hear about your goals and dreams.  Contact me.  

Conquering the 'F' Word

Do you have a dream, but are afraid to move forward?  Are you carrying around baggage from a previous disappointment and hesitant to go through that experience again?  The ‘F’ word – fear and it’s partner, doubt, are real and need to be faced head on.

What if my dream doesn’t come true?  There’s an old saying:  you’ve only failed when you stop trying.  Your dream may not come true exactly the way you envision it today.  Adjust and adapt.  Perhaps you’ll identify a new opportunity or a new niche that interests you.  Go for it!  You may need to implement in phases due to financial considerations or time constraints.  That’s OK.  Just don’t dumb your dream down or reduce it because of those factors.  Keep an eye on the destination and allow zig zags and stepping stones to be part of the journey.

What if I don’t have what it takes to make my dream come true?  Actually, you may not, especially if your dream is really big. Do you want to open a high-end restaurant because you love to cook, but your current job is in accounting?   You’ll need to go back to school.  Do you want to be an entrepreneur but you’ve never even owned a lemonade stand?  The transition from corporate employee to business owner can be rocky and full of ‘learning’ experiences.  Trust me – I’m on that road right now.  Be open to learning and summon up the confidence to stumble.  Acknowledge where and who you are today, and look at who you need to be.  Then take action to fill the gap.  Even small steps build momentum.

What if it turns out I don’t really want what I’m dreaming about?  What if I’m disappointed once my dream comes true?  There are some people who aren’t satisfied with anything.  They hide in dreams or say, my life would be great if only….  Others are driven by ego and ‘shoulds’ imposed by their younger self or parents. Start with acknowledging who you are today.  Be grateful for today.  Truly look at your life and find the good things now.  Make a commitment and implement daily practices to stay conscious of those nuggets and figure out how create more of them in your life.  Once you stop hiding in fantasies or clinging to ideas that aren’t true for you anymore and start living your life today – now – your true dreamer will emerge.

What if it’s harder than I think it’s going to be?  No surprise here - it will be.   The bigger your dream the harder it’s likely to be.  What an adventure!  It will require you to learn and demonstrate persistence, courage, and strategic thinking,  You’ll need to let go of the myth that you can do it all on your own.  You’ll need to build a team of people to help and support you.  Your precious ego is going to take a beating.   Think how different you’ll be two years from now.

What if it’s easier than I think it’s going to be?  Lucky you – everyone will be green with envy.  Next step – dream bigger.

What if everyone tells me I’m nuts for wanting to pursue my dream?  A lot of people will.  Listen to their concerns and incorporate their advice and feedback into your plans.  If their feedback is to abandon your dream, smile, say thank you and move forward.  Your heart and gut is the best judge of what’s right for you.

What if I run out of money while pursuing my dream?  Part of your planning needs to include financial resources.  Part of the zig-zagging may mean staying in your current job for awhile longer, or getting a part-time or contract job while you build your dream.  Perhaps you’ll need investors, which means you’ll need help learning how to swim in the shark tank.  That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue your dream.  It just means you’ll need a very detailed plan.

If you have a dream, I’d love to be your dream coach.  I have a proven 10 step process which has helped thousands of dreams come true.  It will teach you key skills and techniques you can use over and over for making any dream a reality.  Contact me, and let’s get started on making 2012 the year your dream comes true.

The Hero Worship Game

A few months ago I signed up for a workshop.  I looked forward to it for weeks, but it now goes on the list of times in my life when I’ve felt the most horrible about myself.  There’s a handful of events that are on that list, but it’s been over 25 years since the previous time.  As I walked back to my rental car – yes, I traveled for this workshop – I knew a full-blown pity party was on the horizon.

Just for fun, on the way to the airport I thought, what would someone else do or think in this situation?  Here’s my list:

What would Jane Austen do?  She’d stand back, make keen observations about human nature and create subtle and spot-on character assassinations which she’d then weave into a simple story.

What would (insert the name of your favorite super hero) do?  The image of Batman came to mind – Michael Keaton in the opening of the first movie when he dropped the bad guy off the roof saying, “I’m Batman,” while Prince music blasted (OK, throbbed) in the background.  Love it!

What would Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or (fill in the name of your least favorite reality character) do?  They’d say in a whiny voice, it’s not my fault.  I’m so rich and beautiful.  I don’t understand why no one loves me.  Boo hoo.

What would Harry Potter do?  He’d suck it up, grit his teeth, and rely on his friends to help him find the strength and resolve to get through it. 

What would Harry Houdini do?  Disappear – poof!

What would Butch and Sundance do?  Jump off a cliff after cracking the best joke in the history of movie dialog (in my opinion).  Sundance:  I can’t swim.  Butch:  Are you crazy?  Hell, the fall will probably kill you.  Sundance:  Oh shittttttt...

What would your inner 4 year old do?  Burst into tears (OK, I did that in the car) crying elephant tears, wail,  and end up with red and puffy eyes.  Apologies to my fellow Alaska Airlines flyers.

Finally a couple of days later, I came around to the often-used, but still worthwhile question:  what would Oprah do?  She’d accept and acknowledge how she feels, but then she’d look for the lesson.  I got out my journal and filled pages. 

Next time you have a bad or disappointing experience, play this game.  Make it fun!  Who is your favorite author, superhero, movie character, or other inspiration?  Let your imagination and snarky sense of humor run wild.  Just remember to end up with Oprah, acknowledge how you really feel and then look for a lesson that you can carry forward.