The Platinum Rule

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  The Golden Rule.  This teaching, in some form, exists in all of the world’s religions and has guided societies across cultures through the ages.  It speaks to extending your own humanity to others.

Let me introduce you to the Platinum Rule:  Do unto others as they need.  It doesn’t have the same pizzazz – the same level of name recognition as The Golden Rule, but I hope it will become one of your guiding principles as it has become one of mine. 

I can trace the seeds back to my childhood.  I adored my father.  He wasn’t around much when I was growing up.  His job at Boeing kept him on the road for months at a time.  As his only daughter we always had a special connection, and we got really close after he retired.

Dad’s been gone now for over 15 years, and I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t think about him or want to discuss something with him.

Dad had a difficult and lonely childhood growing up in New Orleans.  He didn’t talk about it much, but he used to tell me stories of going to Texas A & M just before World War II when hazing was integral to that school’s culture.  Imagine a little blonde girl sitting in bed listening to her Dad tell stories about running at night with his classmates across a field being chased by a mob of upper classmen who would beat up the slower runners.  He was proud that he survived, and he felt like a part of something, I think, for the first time in his life.  It gave me nightmares

During college he was a great tennis player.  When I heard that I asked him for lessons.  He said, I’ll only play with you when you get good enough.  I got the same response when I asked him to teach me to how to play gin rummy.  Mom said in the Army he earned lots of extra money because he was such a card shark.  Again, he wouldn’t play with me until I got good enough.  

Looking back after he died, I see that he was trying to motivate me, encouraging me to learn and grow by giving me goals to work towards.

He followed his version of the Golden Rule.  He did the best he knew how to do based on how he was raised and who he was as a person. I truly believe he would be devastated if he knew that instead of inspiring me to achieve his words made me feel small, insignificant and not good enough.  How I wish he’d followed the Platinum Rule with me.

You see, while I love my Dad, I’m a different person.  What inspired and motivated him didn’t inspire and motivate me.  In fact, it had the opposite affect.

When I became a manager 30 some odd years ago, I made a real mess of things at first.  In fact, I had to fire my first employee because I was such a bad manager.  Luckily I got the opportunity to keep learning, and the Platinum Rule became my key to success.

I remembered what it felt like to not be recognized for being me.  I remembered that the wrong words or type of motivation, no matter how well intentioned, could stop me in my tracks.  Over the years I learned to make the effort to really see my staff  – their strengths and talents, how they learn and what motivated them.

It took extra effort on my part, but nothing was more rewarding for me than to watch people step into their full potential while producing above and beyond results. 

The Golden Rule has been a foundation of societies for centuries.  When it really matters, though, when it comes to the most important people in our life whether family, friends, or coworkers, follow the Platinum Rule.   Recognize what’s unique and special about those key people and then find ways to give them what they need, no matter how different that is from what you need and want. 

Check Your Alignment

When your car is out of alignment, it’s hard to drive.   You get pulled away from where you were headed and it can take brute strength to keep you on the road.  The same is true for your life.  If you’re out of alignment, you veer away from where you want to go.  If this sounds familiar, crawl underneath and figure out what’s going on.

You’re bored.

You know that feeling when your brain has gone to sleep, and you’re sinking into a bottomless pit of…blah.

Check your alignment with your strengths.  Are you doing things that play to your strengths most of the time?  Nothing will engage your mind like the feeling that you’re firing on all cylinders.  When you’re doing things that come naturally you learn and grow.  Many people think that in order to grow they need to improve in areas of weakness.  Not true!  You have the most potential to grow in areas where you already have ability. 

If you’re slogging through the days in a bored state, you’re underplaying – not pushing yourself.  StrengthsFinder is a great tool for becoming aware of your natural talents and strengths. (Take Gallup’s online assessment with the code in the back of StrengthsFinder 2.0 )  You can then begin to restructure your job and other activities to create opportunities to work in your strength zone.   Impossible, you say?  Give it a try.  Take the assessment, and if you need help with the restructuring part, give me a call.

You’re frustrated.

You may not know why, but you keep encountering situations that tick you off and bring out your inner ogre. 

Check your alignment with your core values.  Living out of integrity with your values can lead to feelings of frustration and anger.  You might even find that you’re lashing out at others because it’s easier than taking responsibility for yourself. 

For example, if one of your core values is adventure but you’re tied to your desk 11 hours a day and then running around doing chores and taking care of others the rest of the time, you’re not honoring a key part of yourself.  Does this mean you need to leave your job and family and take off for a 6-month trek to some remote part of the world?  No.  Get creative and find other ways to make sure you get regular tastes of the adventure you need.  The key is to honor this part of yourself.  If you aren’t aware of your core values, get started.

You’re burned out.

When you’re burned out you feel stuck and are probably depressed.  You dread facing the day, but you’re also convinced there aren’t any options.  You feel trapped, and you hate it. 

If this sounds like you, you’ve probably lost touch with your passion.  That flame of love, joy and meaning has died down to a tiny ember due to neglect.  It needs tending - to be fed some kindling.  Start small.  What makes you happy?  Don’t worry about making a big splash.  Just begin to introduce little things into your day that make you happy.  Do you love flowers?  Then have some, even one, on your desk. Do you love tigers?  I saw an ad on tv yesterday that you can adopt one through the World Wildlife Fund.  WWF Adopt a Tiger  Wouldn’t that feel great?  The key is to take action towards something that has meaning for you.

To get back into alignment you might need to make changes internally.  Start by knowing and honoring your strengths, your values, and what you're passionate about.  

If you feel you’re at a dead end with no room to learn and grow, you might need to change your circumstances.  Start with the inner work, but know that sometimes you need a new environment.  This is especially true if you’re working for a manager or a company that you don’t feel has integrity or you’re in a situation where you aren’t valued as a person.

Struggling to figure out what changes to make can keep you stuck.  Try to look past the surface layer of I’m bored, I’m pissed, or I’m fried.  Need help?  Contact Me

Make Time for Happiness

There are times when nothing seems to be going our way.  During those high-stress times, which are hopefully infrequent, we need an anchor to help us ride out the storm. When you’re in rough water it’s really important to make time for the things in your life that make you happy.  Nothing reduces stress like laughter and joy, even if it’s only for few minutes.

Josh, a friend and former teammate is crazy about his wife and two beautiful little girls.  There’s no question that his family is his number one priority.  Josh therefore arranges his work schedule so he can be home in time to have dinner and play with his girls in the evening.  If he’s in the ‘heavy lifting’ phase of a project and has more work than he can get done in a day, he’ll jump back online for a couple of hours after the girls go to bed.  Josh knows what makes him happy.  Carving out the time to make sure those activities are included in his day – every day – no matter how busy is part of why he was (and I imagine still is) such a joy to work with no matter how hot the pressure cooker gets at work.

Do you know what makes you happy?  Do you know what matters most to you?  Do you consciously arrange your day and create space in your life for joy, laughter, and the activities and people who bring you happiness?

I speak with so many people who get teary-eyed when I ask these questions.  The surface answer is ‘no.’  The underlying issues usually fall into two categories: 

v    People are out of touch with what matters and what makes them happy.

v    People aren’t appropriately setting boundaries because they don’t believe they deserve to be happy, they feel the needs of others are more important, or they’re afraid of the consequences.

A few years ago I hired a project manager from another group within Washington Mutual.  Before she joined my team she was managing six different projects – a couple of which were very large and complex. When she came to work for me I assigned her to manage one project, but it had to be flawlessly executed since it impacted every deposit transaction in every branch.  After a couple of weeks she didn’t know what to do with herself.  It took her about 3 months to figure out that I wasn’t going to fire her if she didn’t work 8 – 9 hours a day in the office and then go home and work another 4 hours.  Over the years her health had suffered from this harried lifestyle, but after a few months of a reasonable schedule she got a dog and started going out for walks after dinner.  Her health and outlook on life improved, as did the quality of her work.   Everything about her got lighter because she made time for happiness in her days.  She had felt that she would be fired from her previous job if she declined taking on new projects, and I applaud her for taking the initiative to make a change.

Do you wish you were like Samantha on Bewitched?  Just wiggle your nose and change your circumstances or transport yourself to a different space and time.  Sorry, real life doesn’t work that way.  But you can decide what matters most, know what makes you happy, and then begin to arrange your life to get more of those things into your days.  It can be scary to think you might need to change your current circumstances.  Don’t feel like you have to jump off a bridge.  Start by making a list of what matters and what makes you happy, even if you can only think of three things.  Add to it as you think of more.  You can then begin to carve out some time each day to feed your soul and re-set some boundaries, if needed.

If this is hard for you or you feel burned out beyond recovery, a coach like me can help.  I offer complimentary consultations that can give you a boost.  Send me a note, and let’s get started.

http://www.transitionsparkcoaching.com/Contact.html

Dare to Dream

What’s your dream job, dream sweetheart, dream house, dream place to live, dream lifestyle? Do those questions excite you or do they scare you?  If you’re excited by the prospect of having something different in your life, yet intimidated to go for it that means you’re dreaming big, and that’s a good thing!  Or do you want to stop reading right now because you’re thinking:  why bother with my dreams, or I don’t have any dreams, or who has time for this.

My wish for you is that you embrace the new year and begin the journey to reconnect with your dreams.  Look forward and listen to the messages sent by your heart to burst out and move towards a life you love.

Is fear of failure stopping you?  Have you tried before, but failed?  We often think if we’ve tried and failed, we shouldn’t try again, and who needs that disappointment.  However, if your dream is still speaking to you, take an honest look at your previous efforts, accept your learnings from the past, but leave the baggage.  If at first you don’t succeed, figure out what to do different and try, try again.

One common obstacle is getting bogged down because you can’t figure out ‘how.’  So, don’t think about things from start to finish, try the reverse. Sit quietly and imagine what you will feel when you accomplish your dream.  What will be different in your life and what will be different in the world?  Get really specific and detailed with this description.  You might even do some type of dream board with pictures of your dream.  Then start asking yourself questions.  Once you get a list of questions, you can begin to investigate the answers.  If your dream is to live six months of the year in Paris, what type of job would you need to be able to do that?  How much money would you need?  I mean, do you even speak French? 

Make a project out of it even if it turns out to be a multi-year project. Staying put when it’s part of your bigger plan can change your whole perspective on your current situation.  Identify things you can do today to move towards your dream.  Do your Paris dreams include shopping for food in the outdoor markets?  Go to the local farmers markets and take a French cooking class.  For your next vacation, rent an apartment in Paris and live like a local for two weeks.  Once you’re in motion, it’s easier to keep going. I love the story of John Grisham.  He was a practicing attorney who finished his first two novels, A Time to Kill and The Firm, by getting up early and writing for one hour every day.

Don’t feel like you have to go it alone.   Find somebody who has achieved what you dream of.  Ask them what they did first, and get some tips on how to get started.  Also consider using a life coach like me.  Together we’ll examine why you can’t get moving on a particular area of your life and uncover what’s holding you back.

Whatever happens, you will achieve some kind of a result, even if it’s not the result you were expecting.  Sometimes our dreams come true in unexpected ways.

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Driving Force

Last week on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, there was an interview with Sting that struck a chord with me.  Jon asked Sting about the wide variety of musical genres that he works with implying that he is kind of all over the place.  Sting replied that he liked experimenting with different things to see how they’ll turn out.  He only likes about 1 out of every 10 attempts, but that’s OK because he’s driven by curiosity.

Driven by curiosity.  What a wonderful way to be.  And it fits when you look back on Sting’s career.  Someone else who is driven by achievement or perfection might find his approach frustrating. It’s all about your attitude.  The lens through which you view your current situation depends a lot on what motivates you, and what motivates you influences how you view your current situation.  It works both ways.

When there’s an underlying driving force, you feel pulled forward versus the feeling of pushing sand up a hill that you get when you’re working outside or against what motivates you. The specific circumstances become secondary.  If you’re motivated by learning, you can follow that urge in all aspects of your life – at work, at home, in your hobbies, with your family.  However, if you have a job where you’re not learning and you don’t create another outlet to express that part of yourself, you’ll feel bored, disconnected, frustrated, and bitter. 

Money is a surface-level motivation and it’s just not enough.  Dig deeper and you’ll find a motivator that speaks to who you at the core as a person.

I’m motivated by self-expression.  When I took up ballroom dancing I didn’t have any illusions about becoming a great or even good dancer.  What I enjoyed was learning a wide range of ballroom and Latin dances and then exploring the character of each dance trying to bring forward those aspects of myself.  It sometimes took some digging, but it was part of the fun for me.

So, what drives you?  What motivates you?  Is it:  adventure, discovery, curiosity, achievement, having an impact, solving a problem, bringing order to chaos, security, creating, inspiring, teaching? 

I have a client who is a senior manager for a large company.  After many years successfully managing her line of business, she was offered an opportunity to join a team to develop a new system to replace the core infrastructure of her company.  It was a prestigious position.  They wanted an ‘A’ team, and she would be representing the core business stakeholders’ interests on the ‘it’ program. She was ready for a change and was passionate that the new system meet the needs of her internal clients. After the initial learning period she didn’t like her job but couldn’t figure out why. She was frustrated and worse still, she was losing favor with her management.

We started at square one:  what are you motivated by – what drives you. Working together we determined she's motivated by achievement.  She’s a ‘get it done’ person with a really strong sense of responsibility and the discipline to go with it.  It's been a key contributor to her successful career which started in sales.  But she soon discovered that activities like sitting in 4 hour roundtable status meetings drove her nuts and brought out the worst aspects of her ‘get it done’ drive.  Turns out that working on a job where ‘done’ was five years away, regardless of the money and prestige, was not the job for her.  Once she recognized this disconnect, we developed coping strategies for those situations she found particularly frustrating, and she started looking for another job inside her company.  She’s now in a different position which she is crafting around her motivations and strengths.

Understanding what drives you, what pulls you forward, is a great first step in creating a life you love.  I use an assessment to provide a 10,000 foot view, and it’s a great tool to begin the discovery process.  What would your assessment reveal about you and what could you do with that information?  If you’d like to find out, call me.

Just Let it Go

Have you had a life change thrust upon you?  It wasn’t your choice, it’s not a change you want, and it required you to make adjustments, compromises, and sacrifices.  Even if the event happened awhile ago, you’re sad, you’re mad, you’re resentful, and you’re scared.  You have so many feelings – none of them good.

Being laid off falls into that category for many people I know.  While they may not have had their dream job, when it got yanked away by someone else, they felt powerless and even now look back on what they lost with regret.  I often feel like reminding these folks: you hated that job, I spent hours listening to you complaining about it – why are you so upset?

The difference, of course, is that we all want to be in charge of our own destiny.  Even if we weren’t in an ideal situation, we want to call the shots – to say when we’ll stay in a job or when we’ll leave.  Having someone else make that decision for us makes us feel powerless.  Does this sound familiar?

In addition to feeling powerless, you might also be paralyzed by fear that it will happen again.  That fear makes it really hard to muster up the confidence to look for another job, especially a better one.  If you have been able to find another job, you may be trying to shrink yourself into a very small being.  Your confidence is low and you feel that if you don’t take any undue risks no one will lay you off again or fire you.  Right?  Wrong!!!

If you’re struggling with any of these feelings in any area of your life, you might be in a state of grieving, mourning a loss.  I read somewhere last week that we feel the pain of loss more than we feel the pleasure of gain.  It’s human nature.

If this is you, it’s time to get on with your grieving.  Mourning isn’t confined to loss of life situations, so as a reminder, here’s a recap of the grieving process (thanks, Wikipedia!).  What’s your current state?  Where are you today and what actions can you take to move through the remaining steps (hopefully speeding through Depression)?

• Denial:  I feel fine.  This can’t be happening, not to me.
• Anger:  Why me?  It’s not fair!  Who is to blame?
• Bargaining:  I’ll do anything for a few more years.  I will give my life savings if…
• Depression:  I’m so sad, why bother with anything?
• Acceptance:  It’s going to be OK.  I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare or accept it. 

Another idea: turn your grieving into gratitude.  What were the good things about your previous situation, what did you learn, and how did it serve you on your journey?  Then close your eyes, take a deep breath, open your heart, and say thank you.  Open your hands and let it go.  Let go of the resentment, the sadness, and the fear because those feelings just keep you trapped in a negative space.  Be grateful for what you had and commit to be consciously grateful for what you have today.  You may want something more or different, but build on a foundation of gratitude.

Rituals are a great way to let go.  Every New Year’s Eve I write a recap of the year and my goals in a special journal and then I write down the things I want to release from my life.  I throw that list into the fire and just watch it burn.  It’s very cleansing.  I have a friend whose marriage recently ended abruptly – not his choice.  He’s on his way to Paris this week, a place he loves, and he’s going to throw his wedding ring into the Seine.  Hopefully he’ll be able to watch it sink and come back renewed and at peace. 

Find a way – whatever works for you – to release and let go.  I’d love to brainstorm other ideas with you (pnorton93@comcast.net) if you get stuck.  And in the words of Michael Scott on The Office, remember:  “Grief isn’t wrong.  There’s such a thing as good grief – just ask Charlie Brown.” 

Who Will You Be Tomorrow?

"The seed you sow today will not produce crop till tomorrow.  For this reason, your identity does not lie in your current results.  This is not who you are.  Your current results are who you were.”  James A. Ray

I was much struck by this quote.  You see, I’m instant gratification girl.  I keep asking myself after a day or two of healthy eating and exercise: why aren’t I skinny yet?  The answer, of course, is that my fitness level is the result of many years of unhealthy habits interspersed with brief episodes of healthy living.  Honestly, there’s not much I can do today to change the result today – not even buying a new outfit (which I’ve tried countless times).  This lesson has been a long time in the learning, and in the meantime I still weigh too much and have contributed huge sums to the bonus plans of multiple credit card companies.

The only thing I can do today is to accept who I am and appreciate where I am on my own journey.  Is there immediate gratification here?  Yes, I’m no longer beating myself up.  If I want to be different tomorrow, I need to choose to make changes in what I do today.  I have to invest in the process and know that the results will only come if I do.  It’s as simple as that. 

I speak to so many people who want to be in a different job.  They don’t know what job – they just don’t want the one they’ve got.  The risk is that succumbing to instant gratification and jumping at the first job offer likely won’t work out.  Even if you feel like you’re in a frying pan today, jumping into the first new job that you think is a safe haven will probably just land you in another frying pan. 

Plotting your next career move is more than a job search.  Like getting fit and healthy, it’s a process of searching first within yourself.  You need to discover what motivates you, understand how you can best use your particular strengths (can you articulate your strengths?), and know your core values because being in any situation which conflicts with your values is very stressful.  

Making changes can be a challenge, and having a buddy to keep you on course, whether it’s a trainer, coach, CPA, or a good friend, will help you maintain your commitment and increase your success.  If you’d like to be supported by a coach, send me an email (pnorton93@comcast.net), and I’ll keep you going. 

Whether you go it alone or with support, starting the journey is the key and the first step whether it’s finding a new job, losing weight, starting a business, getting your finances in order, or anything else is to acknowledge and accept where you are right now and decide to make better choices each day.

Challenging Status Quo Thinking

Do you want to make a change in your personal life, your career, your appearance, your business strategy, or any area of your life?  One barrier to success is succumbing to the quicksand of status quo thinking.

In business being stuck in status quo thinking is fatal.  Competitors who are innovating and improving will lure away your customers until you’ve fallen too far behind to catch up.  Saying that status quo thinking in your personal life is fatal seems overly dramatic (but potentially true).

Movement is a constant in nature, and if you don’t have a mindset oriented to forward movement and growth, you’ll find that the movement you’ll experience is backwards.  One of my favorite images is ‘springtime on the savannah’ outlined in Younger Next Year for Women: Live Strong, Fit, and Sexy - Until You're 80 and Beyond (Yes, there’s a man’s version called Younger Next Year: Live Strong, Fit, and Sexy - Until You're 80 and Beyond.)  The authors outline how humans were designed to grow or decay.  When spring came and they were hunting and gathering, their health improved.  During cold winters when they were sedentary, disease set in. 

Status quo thinking has the goal of preserving continuity, and in times of stress and change, especially change we don’t control, it can be comforting to sit still for a bit.  After all, change creates friction and causes uncertainty. 

But status quo thinking creates habits which breed comfort which prevents change.  It’s a vicious cycle, and the closer to your inner self you look, the harder it is to see that you’re stuck and why.  You just have a strong feeling of discontent combined with hopelessness.

How can you tell if you’re stuck in status quo thinking?

• Do you always do the same things or do things the same way?
• Do you think only in ‘black and white’ or ‘either/or’ terms.  You can’t see any options, and you feel penned in by limitations. 
• Is there an over-focus on measuring, accountability, and processes to save you?  Do you seek to do the same things better? 
• Do you feel like you’re spinning your wheels working hard but not getting anywhere?

If this sounds familiar, here are some steps you can take to break this cycle. 

The key lies in seeking out ingrained habits, customs and perceptions that maintain the status quo. These conventions are hard to see.  They’re buried deep, and we follow them unconsciously. It is impossible to think differently when you cling to the conventions.

Rooting out habits, assumptions and biases requires a lot of honesty and perspective. This is a questioning process, not an answering process. You’ll need to shift perspective, see things (and maybe yourself) in a different light, look at problems and situations in other ways. Put them in another context.

One approach is to think like an annoying kid and ask why.  Why do I just veg out in front of the tv instead of going to the gym?  Because I don’t have any energy.  Why don’t I have any energy?  Because I’m bored.  Why am I bored?  Because my job puts me to sleep by noon. Why does my job put me to sleep?  Because I’m not doing something that challenges me.  Why am I not doing something challenging?  Because I’m scared I’ll fail.  Ahaa.  Keep digging deeper and see if you can ask at least 5 levels of ‘why’ questions.

Imagine how others would do it.  A couple of fun books ask:  what would Jackie O do, and what would Jane Austen do?  Identify someone you admire, and ask:  what would they do?

Brainstorm with a buddy or a coach.  Put all options on the table and don’t rule out anything, no matter how unrealistic.  Try on something you’ve never tried before, and don’t ignore the jokes which inevitably arise during a brainstorming session.  Humor often contains great truth.

Another great quote by an unknown author is:  Change will come when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.  If you’re stuck in your own status quo thinking, send me an email and we'll set up a coaching appointment. I’ll ask you some great questions.

Sometimes a Job is Just a Paycheck

There are times in our lives, say after the loss of a loved one or a health crisis, where our focus is rightly on family or somewhere else, and we aren’t putting our best into our work every day. We’re just showing up. It may be a temporary situation for a few months, or perhaps you took a survival job after a layoff and need to stay put for awhile to recover your equilibrium. Either way, you’re just working for the money right now. And that’s OK. But it’s OK only if you acknowledge it to yourself and accept what comes with it.

Our jobs can enrich our lives in many ways. We find satisfaction in achievement – we love getting things done, we make new friends (My dearest friends are people I met at work.), we enjoy learning something new, figuring something out, meeting a challenge and earning recognition. We get to do something we enjoy most days of the week. In return, we get paid a hopefully great salary that funds our home, our vacations, our family’s education and healthcare, and our eventual retirement.

Oftentimes we get a sense of identity from what we do for a living. “Tell me about yourself.” “Well, I’m a software engineer working for a startup video game company.” That introduction might tell you something about that person – interests, personality, willingness to work hard and take a risk. Our jobs can be a source of self-esteem and self-worth. When things are going well, we’re happy with ourselves and life in general. When things aren’t going so well (or when we screw up), our spirits take a nosedive.

What if you’re in a job that’s just a paycheck, but the paycheck is really big? My good friend, Dave, (who I met at work…) offers an additional perspective:

I don't know if this is true for necessarily everyone, but sometimes you get into a Survival Job and your natural reaction becomes defensive - to protect the paycheck - and when opportunities come along it gets harder and harder to make the jump. It's like quicksand. Alternatively, I've heard people use the term Golden Handcuffs. They hate their job, but they're tied into retention comp plans that they use as an excuse not to even consider anything else. That's not to say staying in a job because of long-term benefits isn't a valid decision - but allowing yourself to become a victim of it can make you miserable.

Amen.

If you’re in a job that’s just a paycheck or if you’ve temporarily checked out due to other priorities, don’t look for anything from your current job situation except to be paid. If you’re looking for a sense of achievement or self-esteem from a job you don’t love, you may come up empty. Big raises, promotions, getting assigned to the hot new project – those rewards go to people who commit and earn them. They don’t go to people who are just showing up. Well, OK, sometimes they go to other people who are just showing up, but doesn’t that piss you off?

If you’re in a job you hate but can’t give up because you can’t walk away from the money, your spirits and self confidence might be so low that you can’t even describe or imagine what a fabulous situation would look like. And that’s a tragedy.

Once you take an honest look in the mirror and own your decision, you can begin to separate getting a paycheck from expressing your best self. You can recognize and appreciate your current situation for what it is – a way to keep you afloat while you deal with other things. And hopefully one of those other things is starting the journey of figuring out how to get yourself on a different road - one that will take you someplace fabulous.

Invest in the Process of Transition

When we want to make a change, our approach is often to want to close our eyes and just take a leap, land on the other side of a cliff, and get instant payback from suddenly being in a new situation. But lasting change, changes that create lasting happiness, don’t happen suddenly. They come as part of a journey, even if the catalyst is a seemingly sudden event like a loss.

My struggles with weight loss year after year are evidence of the flaws in this approach. I want to see and feel instant measurable and visible results immediately after only a few days of healthy eating and exercise. I’m constantly searching for that ‘miracle moment,’ a flash of insight and inspiration which will propel me on the way. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on magazines over the years searching for a flash of inspiration that would set me on my way, and I know I’m not alone.

I speak with people every day who want to wake up one morning and have their dream job magically appear or at least to be able to name their dream job. However, they embark on this search without really knowing what they’re looking for. They’re usually reacting to what they don’t like in their current situation without understanding what they want and why.

In my 25+ years as a manager I learned not to hire anyone who came into an interview in a ‘victim’ mode complaining about the abusive nature of their previous job or previous boss. Their victim mentality didn’t go away when their job circumstances changed, and after a few months or maybe a year, I became the ogre boss, and the job on my team became the current abusive job.

I’ve also encountered job hoppers – people who jump from job to job seeking fulfillment. After the challenge of learning their way around new responsibilities or a new company wears off, however, they’re stuck right back in the same frying pan.

In the book Good to Great, Jim Collins provided some sage advice:

“Here’s what’s important. We’ve allowed the way transitions look from the outside to drive our perception of what they must feel like to those going through them on the inside. From the outside, they look like dramatic, almost revolutionary breakthroughs. But from the inside, they feel completely different, more like an organic development process.

If you want to find your dream job, invest in the process of understanding yourself, what motivates you, your strengths, and your passions. Figure out how you want to express yourself through your work because the job doesn’t make you, you make the job.

“How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.” Coco Chanel

So resist the temptation of looking for the ‘miracle moment’ and focus your efforts on the day-to-day incremental steps of the process of transition. When you look back over time, you’ll find yourself in a different place, and maybe even be thinner.