Being laid off falls into that category for many people I know. While they may not have had their dream job, when it got yanked away by someone else, they felt powerless and even now look back on what they lost with regret. I often feel like reminding these folks: you hated that job, I spent hours listening to you complaining about it – why are you so upset?
The difference, of course, is that we all want to be in charge of our own destiny. Even if we weren’t in an ideal situation, we want to call the shots – to say when we’ll stay in a job or when we’ll leave. Having someone else make that decision for us makes us feel powerless. Does this sound familiar?
In addition to feeling powerless, you might also be paralyzed by fear that it will happen again. That fear makes it really hard to muster up the confidence to look for another job, especially a better one. If you have been able to find another job, you may be trying to shrink yourself into a very small being. Your confidence is low and you feel that if you don’t take any undue risks no one will lay you off again or fire you. Right? Wrong!!!
If you’re struggling with any of these feelings in any area of your life, you might be in a state of grieving, mourning a loss. I read somewhere last week that we feel the pain of loss more than we feel the pleasure of gain. It’s human nature.
If this is you, it’s time to get on with your grieving. Mourning isn’t confined to loss of life situations, so as a reminder, here’s a recap of the grieving process (thanks, Wikipedia!). What’s your current state? Where are you today and what actions can you take to move through the remaining steps (hopefully speeding through Depression)?
- Denial: I feel fine. This can’t be happening, not to me.
- Anger: Why me? It’s not fair! Who is to blame?
- Bargaining: I’ll do anything for a few more years. I will give my life savings if…
- Depression: I’m so sad, why bother with anything?
- Acceptance: It’s going to be OK. I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare or accept it.
Another idea: turn your grieving into gratitude. What were the good things about your previous situation, what did you learn, and how did it serve you on your journey? Then close your eyes, take a deep breath, open your heart, and say thank you. Open your hands and let it go. Let go of the resentment, the sadness, and the fear because those feelings just keep you trapped in a negative space. Be grateful for what you had and commit to be consciously grateful for what you have today. You may want something more or different, but build on a foundation of gratitude.
Rituals are a great way to let go. Every New Year’s Eve I write a recap of the year and my goals in a special journal and then I write down the things I want to release from my life. I throw that list into the fire and just watch it burn. It’s very cleansing. I have a friend whose marriage recently ended abruptly – not his choice. He’s on his way to Paris this week, a place he loves, and he’s going to throw his wedding ring into the Seine. Hopefully he’ll be able to watch it sink and come back renewed and at peace.
Find a way – whatever works for you – to release and let go. I’d love to brainstorm other ideas with you (pnorton93@comcast.net) if you get stuck. And in the words of Michael Scott on The Office, remember: “Grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief – just ask Charlie Brown.”
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