Build Your Dream Muscles

When people seek me out for coaching they often have a specific goal in mind. They need to find a new job, they want to find a new job, they want to figure out how to improve their performance in their current job, or they want to change careers.  One of the first questions I ask new clients is, what are your dreams. What would you like to accomplish?  Where would you like to take your life?  If you could have a different career, what would you be doing? 

Sometimes people have answers that they're happy to share, and sometimes they have answers, but they’re hesitant to share.  After all, telling someone your dreams puts it out there.  All of a sudden you’re vulnerable and the clock starts ticking.  But it’s also very freeing.  When you dare to admit out loud to someone that you have a dream, it comes to the forefront of your thinking.   The genie is out of the bottle. 

Unfortunately I often talk to people who don’t have a dream or can’t think of one.  Their visionary muscles are weak or they feel beaten down by the constant noise of their everyday lives.  Sometimes when people are unhappy, they craft dreams.  Other people become blocked.  Visionary thinking is like a muscle, use it or lose it.

Our problem solving muscles get a lot of use in our every day.  We’re solving problems at work, with our family, figuring out how to avoid traffic.  It’s part of our job and our culture, so we get very comfortable in this mode.  But problem solving means there’s a problem to solve.  There’s an external catalyst for our creativity, a question to be answered, a situation to fix.

With visionary thinking and dreaming, there’s often no external catalyst.  It’s more of a vague notion of a desire to go in a direction, or a curiosity – an internal catalyst.  It’s like having a blank sheet of paper or blank canvas with no assignment on what to create. 

Imagine you’re facing a blank sheet of paper.  Can you set your imagination free or do you have writers’ block?  If you answered ‘writers block,’ you need to do some visionary strength training. 

Start with something fun.  Here’s a great exercise from the February issue of O Magazine.  Finish these sentences:

I'm most creative...

If I were a color, I'd be... (and why)

I often imagine myself...

I really wish I knew how to...

I'd love to spend a lazy Sunday...

My secret talent is...

Tell your life story in 6 words.  (See how many versions you can come up with!)

Here is the first one that came to my mind – the story of my life in so many ways:

Fall down, get up, start over.

Another great way to tap into your dreamer is to meditate.  There are so many ways to meditate  beyond staring at your navel.  Do anything that quiets your mind.  Walk in nature, garden, play the piano, practice yoga, ride your bike somewhere away from traffic.  Allow your mind to quiet down.  It may take a bit of practice, but your intuition and dreamer will begin to emerge. 

Resist the urge to shut down any ideas or dreams that may arise with questions like, how will I ever do that, or that’s impossible.  Just see what comes up.  And practice, practice, practice.  You’ll find that your problem solving skills will also improve, but more importantly there may be a wonderful dream just waiting to be uncovered.

I’m a certified Dream Coach™ through Marcia Wieder’s Dream University.  I’m running a special on her transformational 10 step Making Your Dreams Come True^® process.  To learn more, contact me. 

Change Jobs or Stay Put?

"Everything will be alright in the end.  If things aren’t alright, you’re not at the end."

This is a quote from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, a movie about life changes.  (Beautifully filmed in India – see it!)  The moral of the story is it’s never too late to have what you want in life.  You just need to know what you want and be open to finding it.

So, are things alright for you right now?

Sometimes at work I felt like things were hopeless.  I worked for an idiot (more than once), management was going in a direction I didn’t agree with, or I felt like the situation was so screwed up that nothing short of nuclear annihilation would fix it.  My favorite fantasy in those situations was picturing myself stepping off onto a dock and walking away as the ship went down behind me.

Over the years I learned that bad times don’t last forever.  In some cases I made a change, and in other cases things just worked themselves out.  When you find yourself in the middle of your own version of bad times do you grit your teeth and stay put, or do you step off onto that dock and walk away?  Here are three questions to ask yourself:

How much of this is your ego?   Are you pissed off because you’re insulted or succumbing to your inner diva/divo because someone disagreed, questioned or doubted you?  Are you in over your head, scared and not asking for help? Be honest no matter how humbling.  Your ego is a not a great decision maker.  You may need to change your situation, but your ego is not a good judge of when to take action.  I’ve known so many people who walked away from a good job because their nose was out of joint confident that the place would crumble after they were gone.  They were always wrong and were the ones who suffered. 

Is something going on that goes against one of your core values?  I had cocktails a few months ago with a former coworker who was thinking of quitting a company she had only been with for a few months.  She felt that the company’s management was not acting with integrity, and integrity is very important to her.  She sets the bar high for herself and for others.  She had no qualms about walking away.  She never looked back and didn’t spend a minute questioning her decision.  She found a great job with another company – case closed. 

What would it take for the situation to be better?  Is this something you can influence or control?  Or are you in a job you’re really not suited for? Is success possible? Would you recognize success if it smacked you in the face?

This takes perspective, objectivity, and a positive state of mind.   So often people can’t define success or can’t define what they want.  They just know that they want the bad stuff to stop, and right now isn’t soon enough.  They can’t articulate what ‘good’ looks like. 

Create a detailed picture of what you want and identify what’s most meaningful.  (We can’t always have every single thing we want…)  Then figure out what it will take to make that happen.  If you can fulfill the meaningful portion of that picture in your current situation, stay put.  It’s not time to leave yet. 

If you can’t, and you know you’re being objective and realistic, begin to take matters into your own hands.  Do not…repeat…do not burn bridges, get angry or resentful, or slack off from doing a good job for the company whose logo is on your paycheck.  Do reach out to your network and begin exploring what’s going on elsewhere in your company and at other companies.  If you haven’t built up a network outside of your current company, begin right now by finding former coworkers and friends on Linked In. 

Contact me if you want help.

Feel Your Feelings

Spring is springing, which means I’m in a flurry of de-cluttering and cleaning.  It’s become apparent that I’ve bought (but not necessarily read) almost every self-help book published.  I know this because I’ve been dusting books for two days now.  My collection has grown over the years, and I could open my own shop or lending library.

I also read magazine after magazine.  Looking at all of this mess, I realize that I’m seeking a golden nugget of knowledge, that key that will push me over the edge to finally lose the weight, become more disciplined and focused, meet a great man, and generally have the life of my dreams (which looks, oddly enough, like the photos in Sunset Magazine – NW edition).  

A few months ago I read something (in a magazine) that slapped me in the face:  people change because of how they feel, not because of what they know. 

Hmmmmmm I spend a lot of time and money distracting myself so I won’t feel my feelings.  And I know I’m not alone here. 

Every week I talk to people who are hesitant to face their feelings or who are numb.  Something is wrong at work, or in their relationship, or in some other aspect of their life, but they cringe and don’t want to dive down too deep.  It’s too scary or sad or frustrating to examine what’s going on.   

What if it’s time to leave their company and find somewhere else with opportunity for growth?  How would it feel if they acknowledged they’re bored – would that mean they’re lazy?  What if they ended their unfulfilling relationship - would they meet someone new?  It feels like opening Pandora’s box. 

We find ways to not feel our feelings because our feelings are often painful.  But it’s important to accept and honor our feelings. There’s a great quote: 

Change will come when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.

We’re having feelings for a reason, and if we ignore them, we’re ignoring a powerful catalyst for change.   I used to tell my staff, you can’t fix what you won’t acknowledge. 

So, what are you feeling?  Or are you employing techniques to avoid feeling your feelings such as searching for answers outside yourself in books or your horoscope, vegging in front of the tv, shopping, playing video games? 

As part of your spring cleaning, wake up and tune back in to yourself.   Take stock of what you’re really feeling and identify doable actions you can take now to begin to address the areas that need sprucing up.  Embrace any pain that comes up and recognize it for what it is – a sign that it’s time for change. 

As always, I’d love to support you on your journey.  Contact me.

The Platinum Rule

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  The Golden Rule.  This teaching, in some form, exists in all of the world’s religions and has guided societies across cultures through the ages.  It speaks to extending your own humanity to others.

Let me introduce you to the Platinum Rule:  Do unto others as they need.  It doesn’t have the same pizzazz – the same level of name recognition as The Golden Rule, but I hope it will become one of your guiding principles as it has become one of mine. 

I can trace the seeds back to my childhood.  I adored my father.  He wasn’t around much when I was growing up.  His job at Boeing kept him on the road for months at a time.  As his only daughter we always had a special connection, and we got really close after he retired.

Dad’s been gone now for over 15 years, and I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t think about him or want to discuss something with him.

Dad had a difficult and lonely childhood growing up in New Orleans.  He didn’t talk about it much, but he used to tell me stories of going to Texas A & M just before World War II when hazing was integral to that school’s culture.  Imagine a little blonde girl sitting in bed listening to her Dad tell stories about running at night with his classmates across a field being chased by a mob of upper classmen who would beat up the slower runners.  He was proud that he survived, and he felt like a part of something, I think, for the first time in his life.  It gave me nightmares

During college he was a great tennis player.  When I heard that I asked him for lessons.  He said, I’ll only play with you when you get good enough.  I got the same response when I asked him to teach me to how to play gin rummy.  Mom said in the Army he earned lots of extra money because he was such a card shark.  Again, he wouldn’t play with me until I got good enough.  

Looking back after he died, I see that he was trying to motivate me, encouraging me to learn and grow by giving me goals to work towards.

He followed his version of the Golden Rule.  He did the best he knew how to do based on how he was raised and who he was as a person. I truly believe he would be devastated if he knew that instead of inspiring me to achieve his words made me feel small, insignificant and not good enough.  How I wish he’d followed the Platinum Rule with me.

You see, while I love my Dad, I’m a different person.  What inspired and motivated him didn’t inspire and motivate me.  In fact, it had the opposite affect.

When I became a manager 30 some odd years ago, I made a real mess of things at first.  In fact, I had to fire my first employee because I was such a bad manager.  Luckily I got the opportunity to keep learning, and the Platinum Rule became my key to success.

I remembered what it felt like to not be recognized for being me.  I remembered that the wrong words or type of motivation, no matter how well intentioned, could stop me in my tracks.  Over the years I learned to make the effort to really see my staff  – their strengths and talents, how they learn and what motivated them.

It took extra effort on my part, but nothing was more rewarding for me than to watch people step into their full potential while producing above and beyond results. 

The Golden Rule has been a foundation of societies for centuries.  When it really matters, though, when it comes to the most important people in our life whether family, friends, or coworkers, follow the Platinum Rule.   Recognize what’s unique and special about those key people and then find ways to give them what they need, no matter how different that is from what you need and want. 

What Can One Person Do?

When I first watched An Inconvenient Truth, I remember feeling so overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed, heartbroken, angry, frustrated.  The situation with the environment is so dire.  I just sat and cried.

Have you ever felt like that?  Have you ever cared about changing something, fixing something, preserving something – felt it down to your core but felt small and powerless to make any real impact. 

Have you ever said, but I’m just me.  What can one person do?  How do I move from frustration to action?

So, what can one person do?  Actually a lot.  I believe that we all share a common purpose as humans:  we’re here to make the world a better place.  There was a sign at a local school recently that read:  the heart beats strongest when it beats for others. 

Not everyone can have or is going to have a global impact.  Perhaps making the world a better place starts in your home with your children or your local community.  There are so many wonderful ways that people are taking action and making a difference.  This is one case where size doesn’t matter – only intention and commitment.  The key is to take action on something that’s meaningful to you.

In 1980 Candy Lightner’s 13 year old daughter was killed by a repeat drunk driver.  Out of her grief and rage came Mothers Against Drunk Driving, one of the largest and most influential grassroots organizations in the country.

More Magazine is running a contest this year highlighting women who have found ways to create jobs for other women.  Contestants so far have included a woman who founded a non-profit organization that helps low income women in Northern California start successful businesses.  Another women has started an employment agency specializing in finding part-time jobs for moms who want to work out of their homes. 

So it’s possible for one person to make a big difference.  But what can you do?  You’ve got a full time job, a family, hobbies - a really full life.  You’ve got so much of so many things… except spare time.  There are multiple ways you can take action and make difference. 

First, make a contribution:  There are worthy organizations working on solving almost any problem you can think of. 

Contribute money.   Non profits are always grateful for donations big and small.  Contributions, though, aren’t just about money.  What else do you have to give? The Humane Society has a large volunteer program.  So do hospitals. 

Another way to make a difference is to be a spark.  Find your voice by activating your voice.  Do you have an idea?  Can you rally friends to take action?  Perhaps clean up and refurbish a park, or take a group of neighbors to a city council or school board meeting to make your views known.   One of my favorite quotes is from Margaret Mead:  A small group of thoughtful people can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. 

Lastly, be a role model.  You don’t have to single-handedly change the world.  Just change someone’s world.  Raise a wonderful, caring child.  Or be a mentor, either professionally or through organizations like Boys and Girls clubs. 

The action you take may change at different points in your life.  At times it may be all you can do to write a check.  At other times, you may be able to participate in a more hands-on way.  Don’t judge, just do what you can.

What can one person do?  A lot.

What can YOU do?  It depends, but I hope I’ve given you some ideas around making a contribution, being a spark, and being a role model.

The key question is:  what WILL you do?

I challenge you that whatever you’re currently doing to make the world a better place, be proud of your efforts but kick it up a notch.  It’s not too late to get started, and we’ll all benefit.   

3 Steps To A Career Makeover

Are you looking for a new job, thinking about looking for a new job, or just want to step it up in your current job?  It may be time for a make over.  Not the kind of makeover where you get a new haircut or buy new clothes.  I’m talking about changing how you present yourself at work. 

To present yourself differently, you need to see yourself differently.  Here are three ways to stand out from the crowd:

First, understand your strengths and structure everything around them. 

If you don’t know your strengths, head to the bookstore right now and buy a copy of StrengthsFinder 2.0.  Take the assessment and download the detailed report, which contains some great coaching for how to develop your natural talents.  Then write down three examples from your current or recent jobs where you’ve demonstrated each of your 5 top talent themes.  If you’re having trouble with this, ask your coworkers.

When I first took StrengthsFinder, my top talent theme was ‘strategic.’  I couldn’t see it.  After all, I didn’t have “Strategy” in my job title, and it felt presumptuous to say my top strength was being strategic.  When I asked my staff, they just laughed.  One person said, “Are you kidding?  You get this look on your face, you start waving your hands around, then you fill up a white board, and we have our work for the next two years.”  OK, that sounded strategic. 

The key to personal success is to do more of what you like to do, and we like to do what we’re naturally good at doing.  Think about it.  Wouldn’t you like to be paid well for doing what you love?

To move in this direction, you need to be conscious of your strengths and build around them.  That includes everything from the direction of your career to your daily activities, your resume, and examples you discuss in job interviews and performance reviews. 

Second, understand, acknowledge, and appreciate the value you create.

How do you create value?  Oftentimes, people aren’t conscious of this, like our strengths.  It’s so ingrained that we just take it for granted.  It’s invisible.  We’re focused on what we do because we’re driven by our calendars, to do lists, and the demands of others. 

When you’re in a job that’s an expression of your passion and purpose, you’re very aware of the value you create. Unfortunately not many of us have that kind of job…yet. 

Think back over your work experience and look for themes. Do you consistently:

Increase productivity?

Improve/contribute to teamwork or resolve conflicts?

Streamline a processes or procedures?

Identify needs or problems and initiate solutions?

Save time and money?

Function as an expert?

Make order out of chaos?

Bring people together around a common goal?

Come up with creative ideas? 

Focus on your contribution, not your job responsibilities and tasks.  When you begin to recognize and acknowledge your own value, others will, too.

I had a client who really struggled to see her value.  When I asked what her contribution was to her organization, she said that she keeps people’s spirits up.  She remembers peoples’ birthdays and did the holiday party planning.  Even to her it sounded junior once she said it out loud.  But we dug deeper and saw that she built strong relationships across the organization that resulted in people being willing to go the extra mile to help out with one of her projects if needed.  She went from having a self-image of a junior ‘party girl’ to someone who forged and maintained cross-functional relationships.  This changed her whole view of herself, her job, and her contribution.

Third, be your authentic self.

In a highly competitive job market where there are two or more candidates with the same experience, the person who lets their self come through is more likely to connect with the hiring manager and therefore more likely to get the offer.

Making a connection requires vulnerability.  Dare to put yourself out there with no guarantees.  Risk a connection.  It’s scary!  Do it anyway.

Patricia Fripp, one of the country’s top public speakers said,  “You’re hired more for who you are then what you know.”  She was talking about professional speakers, but I feel this is a truism across the board.