The Road to Hell is Paved With Shoulds

Are you trapped in a cycle of comparing yourself to others?  Perhaps you want to feel better about yourself:  I’m not as overweight as she is, so my problem isn’t so bad.  Or are you looking for someone else’s experience to make decisions for you:  He went from customer service rep to section lead and now he’s a vice president, so I want my next job to be section lead.  A really destructive variation on this theme is making competitors out of teammates:  I need to position myself as better than her which will make me feel more competent.  Do you find yourself thinking: by this time in my life I should be making more money, I thought I would be more successful by now (a disguised ‘should’), I should know more, do more, have more, be more, more, more, more.

If you find yourself in this situation, and many of us have been guilty in one form or another, stop and ask yourself: what is it that you really need, and why are you looking outside of yourself for motivation or validation?  What is your inner voice trying to tell you?  You might say, inner voice?  I don't have an inner voice.  Comparing yourself to others and living with the amped up noise of should makes it really hard to hear your intuition and the voice of your best self. 

I have an associate who gets intimidated by really polished corporate types.  They project an air of confidence and power that impresses him.  When they do nothing more than walk into a room, he feels they’re smarter, more successful, and that he's subservient no matter what their relative corporate position is.  Their image is everything he feels he's not and wished he were - when he's around them he feels he should be more, but that's just not who he is.

Looking back, it seems this conflicted feeling was one clue that he was on the wrong path.  When it comes down to a contest between a should and your true nature, guess who will win.  This inner battle might rage on for years, but eventually your true nature will win out every time. The question is, how much and for how long will you engage in this struggle?  

The road to hell is paved with the word ‘should,’ and the route we travel is often chosen because of how we think we stack up to others.  The first step to getting off this treadmill is awareness.  Notice how often you use the word should.  You may need to ask your friends and family to call it to your attention because it’s a tricky one to catch.  Also begin to take note of situations when you find that you’re comparing yourself to others.  Are there particular issues that are triggers?

Working with a coach is a great way to develop the ability to stand in your own space and learn to listen to your inner voice.  Contact me for a complimentary, no obligation 30 minute coaching session, and begin to follow your own path.