The Road to Hell is Paved With Shoulds

Are you trapped in a cycle of comparing yourself to others?  Perhaps you want to feel better about yourself:  I’m not as overweight as she is, so my problem isn’t so bad.  Or are you looking for someone else’s experience to make decisions for you:  He went from customer service rep to section lead and now he’s a vice president, so I want my next job to be section lead.  A really destructive variation on this theme is making competitors out of teammates:  I need to position myself as better than her which will make me feel more competent.  Do you find yourself thinking: by this time in my life I should be making more money, I thought I would be more successful by now (a disguised ‘should’), I should know more, do more, have more, be more, more, more, more.

If you find yourself in this situation, and many of us have been guilty in one form or another, stop and ask yourself: what is it that you really need, and why are you looking outside of yourself for motivation or validation?  What is your inner voice trying to tell you?  You might say, inner voice?  I don't have an inner voice.  Comparing yourself to others and living with the amped up noise of should makes it really hard to hear your intuition and the voice of your best self. 

I have an associate who gets intimidated by really polished corporate types.  They project an air of confidence and power that impresses him.  When they do nothing more than walk into a room, he feels they’re smarter, more successful, and that he's subservient no matter what their relative corporate position is.  Their image is everything he feels he's not and wished he were - when he's around them he feels he should be more, but that's just not who he is.

Looking back, it seems this conflicted feeling was one clue that he was on the wrong path.  When it comes down to a contest between a should and your true nature, guess who will win.  This inner battle might rage on for years, but eventually your true nature will win out every time. The question is, how much and for how long will you engage in this struggle?  

The road to hell is paved with the word ‘should,’ and the route we travel is often chosen because of how we think we stack up to others.  The first step to getting off this treadmill is awareness.  Notice how often you use the word should.  You may need to ask your friends and family to call it to your attention because it’s a tricky one to catch.  Also begin to take note of situations when you find that you’re comparing yourself to others.  Are there particular issues that are triggers?

Working with a coach is a great way to develop the ability to stand in your own space and learn to listen to your inner voice.  Contact me for a complimentary, no obligation 30 minute coaching session, and begin to follow your own path.

The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

Let’s face it, sex sells.  But underlying this universal truth of advertising is an even deeper truth:  confidence attracts.

If you’ve recently gone through a change, whether it was good or bad, your choice or not, your self-confidence may have taken a hit.  Perhaps you were laid off and are looking for a new job, or you’ve recently started a new job.  You could be stretching past your comfort zone to try something new professionally or personally like taking on a new project or trying a new sport. 

Whatever the situation, you’re feeling like a newbie and more than a little unsure of yourself.  You may be feeling small as you look around and see other people who are more advanced. They know their way around the company while you’re trying to figure out who’s who, or they know the steps in dance class while you keep apologizing for stepping on your partner’s toe.  We've all been there.

True confidence comes from inside.  Compliments and positive feedback are nice as a bonus, but depending on them to give you confidence will not work in the long run.   Instead, how about if you stop thinking like a 13 year old and just acknowledge and accept where you are right now, be proud of the fact that you’re on your own journey, and stop comparing yourself to others.  That’s so much easier said than done, but any effort in that direction will yield good results.   Here are a few steps you can take to begin to boost your own confidence.

First, smile.  By this I mean a simple, sincere, head up, shoulders down, look-em-in the eye, warm smile.  I don’t mean the simpering, embarrassed, hunched over, eyes down, half-laughing goofy grin that pops up when we’re trying to be self-deprecating to get people to like us.  Just relax, be brave, and smile.  You’ll look confident – perhaps way more confident than you feel.

Have you ever noticed that runway models, don’t smile when they’re doing their pony walk down the catwalk? They’re supposed to look assured, confident, comfortable in their own skin and the clothes they’re wearing.  And they’re skinny, for crying out loud!  But you’ll never see them smile.  Why?  It’s not only because they’re hungry, it’s because a smile will draw the eye to their face making the clothes less noticed.  Since the point of a fashion show is to showcase the clothing, a smile would be a distraction.  Remember this next time you feel under dressed or not quite happy with how you look.  Smile, and people are less likely to notice or care what you’re wearing or the shape of your body. 

Second, take the focus off yourself and focus on making a connection with other people. Since childhood we’ve been taught the Golden Rule, to treat others as we’d like to be treated which translates into extending our own humanity to others.  But how about if you take it a step further and treat others as they’d like to be treated.  This takes lots of listening and may take some time to discern, but just making the effort will distract you from your own insecurities.

Third, recognize and appreciate all the great things about you – your strengths, your natural talents, the things that makes you unique.  You don’t have to be good at everything, in fact an essential part of the journey is coming face-to-face with a learning opportunity; i.e., things we suck at.  There are people who will shine in those areas, but it doesn’t have to take anything away from you.

Confidence comes not only from what you’ve accomplished, but also from an inner knowing of what you’re capable of.  You won’t gain this inner wisdom if you only do things that are comfortable and come easily.  You have to put yourself on the line, take a risk, learn and grow.  Interview a confident person, and you’ll see that they don’t have all the answers, but they know they can handle situations that might arise.

If you’ve lost your mojo, I have a four week, five session coaching package called Excavate Your Best Self Intensive where we work together to uncover your strengths so you can begin to recognize and acknowledge your best self.  I also have a version called Resume Intensive where we develop a strengths-based resume to support your job search.  If you’re interested in learning more, contact me at pnorton93@comcast.net, and let's get started.

Lessons from Yoga

Just before I turned 30, I starting feeling aches and pains that I had never felt before.  So for my birthday while visiting family in Seattle I bought my first yoga book, Bikram’s Beginning Yoga Class. Bikram's Beginning Yoga Class (Second Edtion)I read the entire book on the plane back to LA, and I remember that first day of practice, spreading the book out on the floor in my living room.  I practiced yoga every day after work and on the weekends for the next few months, and the changes were phenomenal. 

I looked different, I felt different, and the way I moved was different.  It surpassed my wildest dreams, but for some unknown reason, once I reached a certain level, my practice began to dwindle to the point where I haven’t practiced for years.  It’s a classic example of knowing intellectually what to do, but not doing it - kind of like reading a magazine about healthy eating while having a burger and fries at Red Robin. (Guilty!)

As I approach my birthday 25 years later I’m resolving to get back to my yoga practice.  In preparation I’m rereading my well worn book, and I’m reminded of two key lessons I’ve applied for many years to other areas of my life. 

First is the concept of ‘perfect.’  What does ‘perfect’ mean to you?  For many it means attaining the ideal that implies comparison with others, being better than anyone or anything, flawless appearance, flawless performance, flawless.   The meaning I learned and have used in my life is “perfect is the best you can do that day.”  It’s not a comparison to anyone but yourself, and it’s not a comparison with yesterday or tomorrow. This lesson is all about releasing attachment to the outcome and focusing on the effort in the now.  It runs counter to many methods by which we’re managed or manage ourselves like: focus on results, bottom line compensation, sales quotas, pounds lost, training time, etc.  These might be great progress measures, but you can’t control every factor, you can only control yourself, and every day is different.

We all know when we haven’t done our best, so acknowledge when that’s the case. But if you did your best with all your heart, it’s perfect.  Be open to the learnings that come with any experience and incorporate them into your future efforts, and you’ll progress from there.

The second lesson is that you will only make progress if you push past the boundary of discomfort.  You don’t have to go to the point of pain, in fact that’s dangerous and risky.  Just go slowly, feel when you start to get uncomfortable and then stretch a little more.  If you’re consistent and give it your all, that discomfort point will move further away.

To grow my coaching business, I need to get out in front of people and start giving speeches.  I know this, and I’ve written a few speeches that got good reviews from friendly readers.  But standing up in front of a room full of strangers and giving a 20 minute talk scares me.  I’ve reached my discomfort point, and pushing past it feels very risky. So I joined Toastmasters to help me develop skills and confidence. 

I gave my first speech last night, and it went great!  I won the grammarian award for best use of language, and I tied for best speech.  But more importantly I got valuable experience.  I tend to get overexcited in front of a group and talk nonstop really fast.  In fact, I didn’t even pause when the audience laughed, and by the end of the 5 minute speech I was gasping for breath.  It seems I had forgotten to inhale.  Many fellow Toastmasters told me they did exactly the same thing, and they gave me great tips and feedback.  Now I’m looking forward to giving my next talk, and I’m confident that soon I’ll muster up the courage to get myself booked to speak in front of an audience of strangers.  I’ve found my point of discomfort and I’m stretching past it, which feels perfect.

Knowing is not the same as doing, and getting support for pushing past your discomfort are two great reasons people hire a coach.  If you find yourself in a similar situation let’s set up an introductory coaching session - I know what you're going through. 

Just Let it Go

Have you had a life change thrust upon you?  It wasn’t your choice, it’s not a change you want, and it required you to make adjustments, compromises, and sacrifices.  Even if the event happened awhile ago, you’re sad, you’re mad, you’re resentful, and you’re scared.  You have so many feelings – none of them good.

Being laid off falls into that category for many people I know.  While they may not have had their dream job, when it got yanked away by someone else, they felt powerless and even now look back on what they lost with regret.  I often feel like reminding these folks: you hated that job, I spent hours listening to you complaining about it – why are you so upset?

The difference, of course, is that we all want to be in charge of our own destiny.  Even if we weren’t in an ideal situation, we want to call the shots – to say when we’ll stay in a job or when we’ll leave.  Having someone else make that decision for us makes us feel powerless.  Does this sound familiar?

In addition to feeling powerless, you might also be paralyzed by fear that it will happen again.  That fear makes it really hard to muster up the confidence to look for another job, especially a better one.  If you have been able to find another job, you may be trying to shrink yourself into a very small being.  Your confidence is low and you feel that if you don’t take any undue risks no one will lay you off again or fire you.  Right?  Wrong!!!

If you’re struggling with any of these feelings in any area of your life, you might be in a state of grieving, mourning a loss.  I read somewhere last week that we feel the pain of loss more than we feel the pleasure of gain.  It’s human nature.

If this is you, it’s time to get on with your grieving.  Mourning isn’t confined to loss of life situations, so as a reminder, here’s a recap of the grieving process (thanks, Wikipedia!).  What’s your current state?  Where are you today and what actions can you take to move through the remaining steps (hopefully speeding through Depression)?

• Denial:  I feel fine.  This can’t be happening, not to me.
• Anger:  Why me?  It’s not fair!  Who is to blame?
• Bargaining:  I’ll do anything for a few more years.  I will give my life savings if…
• Depression:  I’m so sad, why bother with anything?
• Acceptance:  It’s going to be OK.  I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare or accept it. 

Another idea: turn your grieving into gratitude.  What were the good things about your previous situation, what did you learn, and how did it serve you on your journey?  Then close your eyes, take a deep breath, open your heart, and say thank you.  Open your hands and let it go.  Let go of the resentment, the sadness, and the fear because those feelings just keep you trapped in a negative space.  Be grateful for what you had and commit to be consciously grateful for what you have today.  You may want something more or different, but build on a foundation of gratitude.

Rituals are a great way to let go.  Every New Year’s Eve I write a recap of the year and my goals in a special journal and then I write down the things I want to release from my life.  I throw that list into the fire and just watch it burn.  It’s very cleansing.  I have a friend whose marriage recently ended abruptly – not his choice.  He’s on his way to Paris this week, a place he loves, and he’s going to throw his wedding ring into the Seine.  Hopefully he’ll be able to watch it sink and come back renewed and at peace. 

Find a way – whatever works for you – to release and let go.  I’d love to brainstorm other ideas with you (pnorton93@comcast.net) if you get stuck.  And in the words of Michael Scott on The Office, remember:  “Grief isn’t wrong.  There’s such a thing as good grief – just ask Charlie Brown.” 

Dream Job Search

Would you like to find your dream job?  Get paid great money for doing something you love that energizes you every day?  There are a lot of people who are right there with you.

Somehow, we always know how much our dream job would pay us, but can’t seem to put our finger on the job itself.  We search and worry that we’ll never find it.  We’re jealous of people who love, love, love their jobs and blame our parents for not encouraging some prodigy talents out of us when we were kids.  After all, Mozart didn’t ponder what his dream job would be.  He was driven by an incredible talent from a young age, and there was no question what he would do.  He couldn’t help himself. 

Does that make you feel ‘ordinary’ in comparison?  Although for Mozart, the money thing wasn’t there for him.  Couldn’t help himself…money not a deciding factor.  Hmmmm, is there a hint here?

I work with many people who come to our first coaching session saying their number one goal is to find their dream job and want me to help them figure out what that is.  They’re hoping I can give them an assessment that will magically produce the answer – tell them what the job is and how they can get it. 

In my experience, if you go about searching for your dream job by searching for a job, you’re going about it in the wrong order.  I love the exchange in Alice In Wonderland:

Alice came to a fork in the road.  “Which road do I take?” she asked.

“Where do you want to go?” responded the Cheshire cat.

“I don’t know,” Alice answered.

“Then,” said the cat, “it doesn’t matter.”

And you know what, it doesn’t matter – not yet anyway.  First, ask yourself:  who am I at my core?  Not who do my parents want me to be, or who do I need to be to earn the money I want, or even who do I wish I were.  Be honest with yourself, pay attention, and become acquainted with your authentic self.  

I’m a fan of Rick Steves, travel writer and tour guide, and I read an interview where he said at his core he was a teacher.  Rick started out teaching piano.  After going to Europe with his father, a piano importer, to tour piano factories, Rick’s passion for travel was ignited.  He used his earnings from teaching piano to fund his early travels and taught a class, European Travel Cheap, at an experimental college.  His business grew from there starting with travel lectures and travel consulting, both teaching activities.

Rick says, “My passion for travel showed itself in a powerful interest in teaching others from my mistakes.  …I finally had to decide:  teach piano or teach travel.  I chose travel and the rest is a very well used passport.”  From those beginnings Rick built a large, successful business which includes books, DVDs, tv shows, lectures, tours, merchandise, etc.  But at the core, he’s still a teacher – he couldn’t help himself.

So, again, who are you at your core?  Don’t say ‘teacher’ only because I used that example (and wrote about teachers last week).  Are you an explorer, someone who likes to go to the unknown? Perhaps you’re a problem solver, or a natural salesperson who loves the hunt and to build relationships.  I met someone yesterday at a networking event who said she loved to build communities and help people connect.  It’s her passion - who she is – and her enthusiasm radiated.  If we were to look at her biography we’d probably find someone who started as a kid introducing people, hooking people up, making sure people were connecting.

Begin to answer that question:  who are you.  And remember, I’m here to help (pnorton93@comcast.net).  Then start bringing your authentic self into your consciousness and activities every day.  The good news is that you don’t have to find a new job in order to begin.  You can start right where you are today, and your dream job will find you.

We're All Teachers

When I was 18 my mother took me to have my astrological chart done.  The astrologer told me two things:  don’t get married for another 3 years because the element of change will be in my marriage house, and that I was destined to be a teacher.  Being 18, I rejected both.  The marriage 3 months later and subsequent divorce is a closed book, but I’ve often thought about the teacher prophecy.  At the time, the only image I could envision was being a school teacher, a noble profession (just ask my older brother), but not one that called to me. 

However, over the years I’ve learned that being a school teacher isn’t the only path to teaching.  In fact, I believe we’re all teachers in many ways.  Some of us have the title of teacher or trainer and make a living imparting knowledge to others.  Some of us teach and inspire through example (good and bad), and some of us are mentors at work or as volunteers.  Parenting, for better or worse, is a great example of teaching every day; and one of my favorite Dr. Phil-isms is that we teach others how to treat us through our actions and boundaries.

Unlike high school algebra, the lessons we teach either consciously or unconsciously are like the gifts that keep on giving; they can have an impact today and continue for many years – hopefully in a good way. 

I have a former boss and friend, Jennifer, who has a strong bias for action. Being a hardcore procrastinator, it was a real eye opener for me.  My first response to most things is to put it on my To Do list, especially if it’s something new or unfamiliar.  I need to think about it, prioritize it, figure it out, put it off and secretly hope it will go away.  But it usually just turns into a crisis, so not only am I unproductive, I’m stressed!  Then I got hired by Jennifer.  Her first response is always:  let’s take care of that right now.  She’d then just pick up the phone, call someone, and deal with it.  Over the years I learned from and channeled this behavior at work in my corporate environment, and it created an impression that I was a ‘get it done’ girl. Having embarked on a new career path, I’m now finding that just about everything is new, and I’ve fallen into my comfortable procrastinator mode.  Old habits die hard.  I’m less productive than I’d like to be and more than a little stressed about it.  So I’m going back to that lesson I learned ten years ago.  Thank you, Jennifer!

So how do you teach?  And what do you teach?  Do you lead by example, and is that example good or not-so-good?  Are you generous with your expertise?  Do you contribute the best of yourself to the world around you, and do you inspire others to be their best?  Or are you sometimes a cautionary tale?  Do you walk around with a bad attitude and hair trigger temper?  Griping, complaining, gossiping?  What lessons are you teaching and how might these lessons influence and inspire people today and over the years?  And just as important, what are you learning and how are you using those learnings?

As a coach, my way of teaching is to support others in discovering and appreciating the knowledge and truths that lay within themselves. I’ve finally come to realize that the astrologer’s prophecy has come to pass. 

Think about how you can bring your inner teacher and inner student to the surface each day.  Be generous with your knowledge and experience (without being a know-it-all), be conscious of your impact, and at the same time be inspired by others and be open to learning and growing.

Just Be You

Do you feel the need to change something about yourself in order to fit in at work or in a relationship or in your own eyes?  I read an interview a few months ago with Beyonce´where she was describing her stage persona, Sasha Fierce, which she has to don in order to perform her act.  Becoming a different person helped her portray the bold and sexy woman required by her job.

This got me to thinking about the rest of us non-famous people who feel we have to become someone else in order to succeed.  Perhaps your company has an aggressive, win at all costs culture while you strive to create a win/win for everyone.  Your collaborative nature and skills in bringing people together are not appreciated and may even be criticized.  Or perhaps you have a strong get-it-done drive and find that you’re working with people who are more concerned with appearances than results. 

Trying to morph yourself into something you’re not, toiling away every day not being acknowledged and appreciated for all the great things you are is stressful and demotivating.  After awhile it can even begin to chip away at your self-esteem to the point where you start thinking the characteristics that best define you are your biggest faults.  Don’t go there!

If you’re feeling like you have to assume a role in order to fit in or succeed, it’s likely you’re in the wrong situation for you right now.  Perhaps it was the right situation at some time, but not anymore.

Step one is to acknowledge and appreciate your best self for yourself.  No one else can do this for you.  And although it’s nice to get positive feedback and reinforcement, nothing anyone else says can make you accept yourself.  But once you do, nothing anyone else says can knock you down.  Don’t put off this inner journey by believing you have to wait until something is different.  Start today, where you are.  You don’t need to get that promotion, lose those 30 pounds, or meet the man/woman of your dreams to start seeing the best in yourself.

I read some great advice this morning, which I’m happy to pass on to you.  Next time you find yourself doubting something that’s integral to who you are, try saying, “I love that about me.”  Don’t worry about believing it – just say it.  Do you cry at the drop of a hat?  Perhaps you care so deeply about things that it manifests itself physically.  Say, “I love that about me.” Are you an introvert whose job requires you to put aside your private nature?  Instead of saying, “I wish I were more outgoing,” why not say, “I love that about me.” 

I know my own efforts to change in order to fit someone else’s expectations were a waste.  I am who I am no matter how hard I try to be different.  One example:  I have a wicked sense of humor, and the more challenging the environment or situation, the more my humor comes out.  I suppose it’s a coping mechanism and my way of helping alleviate my stress and the stress of others.  I have been advised by multiple managers in the past to be more ‘professional,’ and because of this I’ve always felt a bit dowdy around really polished corporate types. But you know what?  I love my sense of humor.  It’s one of my favorite things about me!

This is not an excuse to indulge in all of your vices and bad habits which reduce the quality of your life.  Those need to be dealt with.  But recognize, acknowledge and appreciate the core of who you are, right now.

Reading another blurb in a magazine last week, Beyonce´ said:  “I don’t need [Sasha Fierce] anymore.  I know who I am [now].”  While I’m not a rabid Beyonce´ fan, I’m interested to see how she evolves her act now that she’s accepting and appreciating her true self. 

How will you evolve?  Take out a piece of paper, write I love that about me! and think of at least ten characteristics that describe you at your core.  If you’d like help with this, I’m here for you (pnorton93@comcast.net).