Choose Your Attitude

On New Year’s Eve 1984 I drove into Los Angeles and headed over to Marina del Rey to the corporate apartment my employer rented for my first month in a new city.  I moved from Seattle to LA for a job promotion – I was going to work at headquarters.  At first I was very homesick.  I had moved to LA not knowing anyone, and I was so lonely.  I would walk around the Marina at night and cry.  I missed the green of the Northwest, I missed my friends, I missed the feeling of knowing my way around.  Fortunately I found a great apartment a couple of blocks from Redondo Beach.  But I wasn’t happy.  I hated my job, and I hated everything about LA:  the commute, the smog, the long distances, the heat, the people.

When I sat down for my New Year’s Eve ritual one year later I was a miserable piece of work of my own creation. I had spent the past year actively hating my life.  But I had to admit that I had created this life through my choices.  That night I promised myself that if I was still miserable a year from now, I could go home.  But I would only allow myself to do that if I spent the year sincerely trying to enjoy my life.  Then, if I was still unhappy I could move back to Seattle. 

While LA never became ‘home’ for me, I spent seven years there.  I progressed in my career, made some wonderful friends who are still part of my life today, joined the art museum, started going to movies and concerts, and spent a lot of time walking and jogging at the beach.  I love the ocean at dusk – it’s one thing I still miss. 

The turning point for me was standing up and taking responsibility for my life and the path I had chosen.  Finding the good wasn’t easy at first.  It was so much easier to focus on what I didn’t like – I mean it was right there in my face every day.  It took a lot more effort to seek and create circumstances I enjoyed.

That extra effort paid off in spades.  I moved back to Seattle in late 1991 feeling very empowered. I knew, and I still know, that I am capable of building a great life for myself.

Last week we finalized the sale of my mother’s beautiful house, and she moved into a retirement home where the care she needs and a couple of good friends are close at hand.  On the night before she moved she asked, “what if I don’t like it?”  She was understandably scared.  She had lived in her house for 30 years surrounded by space, light, things she loved, and a quiet and secure neighborhood.  She hadn’t lived in a small, shared-wall apartment since her early 20’s. 

What if she doesn’t like it?  Well, so far she hates it.  There is bound to be a settling in period, and it will probably never feel like home to her.  She feels like she’s living in “God’s waiting room,” although it’s the nicest waiting room we were able to find and afford in the area.  But there’s no going back, there’s only moving forward. 

So we had the talk – you can choose to hate it everyday or you can start to look around for things you like.  It will take her some time to turn her attitude around, and I suppose she’ll come to feel it’s a blessing and a curse to have a daughter who’s a coach to remind her that her feelings and attitude are her own choice.

What about you?  How much responsibility are you taking for your circumstances?  Are you choosing to look for the good or are you taking the easy road and only seeing the bad that’s in your face every day?  I would love to be your guide and support partner when you’re ready to begin creating the life you want.

Dare to Dream

What’s your dream job, dream sweetheart, dream house, dream place to live, dream lifestyle? Do those questions excite you or do they scare you?  If you’re excited by the prospect of having something different in your life, yet intimidated to go for it that means you’re dreaming big, and that’s a good thing!  Or do you want to stop reading right now because you’re thinking:  why bother with my dreams, or I don’t have any dreams, or who has time for this.

My wish for you is that you embrace the new year and begin the journey to reconnect with your dreams.  Look forward and listen to the messages sent by your heart to burst out and move towards a life you love.

Is fear of failure stopping you?  Have you tried before, but failed?  We often think if we’ve tried and failed, we shouldn’t try again, and who needs that disappointment.  However, if your dream is still speaking to you, take an honest look at your previous efforts, accept your learnings from the past, but leave the baggage.  If at first you don’t succeed, figure out what to do different and try, try again.

One common obstacle is getting bogged down because you can’t figure out ‘how.’  So, don’t think about things from start to finish, try the reverse. Sit quietly and imagine what you will feel when you accomplish your dream.  What will be different in your life and what will be different in the world?  Get really specific and detailed with this description.  You might even do some type of dream board with pictures of your dream.  Then start asking yourself questions.  Once you get a list of questions, you can begin to investigate the answers.  If your dream is to live six months of the year in Paris, what type of job would you need to be able to do that?  How much money would you need?  I mean, do you even speak French? 

Make a project out of it even if it turns out to be a multi-year project. Staying put when it’s part of your bigger plan can change your whole perspective on your current situation.  Identify things you can do today to move towards your dream.  Do your Paris dreams include shopping for food in the outdoor markets?  Go to the local farmers markets and take a French cooking class.  For your next vacation, rent an apartment in Paris and live like a local for two weeks.  Once you’re in motion, it’s easier to keep going. I love the story of John Grisham.  He was a practicing attorney who finished his first two novels, A Time to Kill and The Firm, by getting up early and writing for one hour every day.

Don’t feel like you have to go it alone.   Find somebody who has achieved what you dream of.  Ask them what they did first, and get some tips on how to get started.  Also consider using a life coach like me.  Together we’ll examine why you can’t get moving on a particular area of your life and uncover what’s holding you back.

Whatever happens, you will achieve some kind of a result, even if it’s not the result you were expecting.  Sometimes our dreams come true in unexpected ways.

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Driving Force

Last week on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, there was an interview with Sting that struck a chord with me.  Jon asked Sting about the wide variety of musical genres that he works with implying that he is kind of all over the place.  Sting replied that he liked experimenting with different things to see how they’ll turn out.  He only likes about 1 out of every 10 attempts, but that’s OK because he’s driven by curiosity.

Driven by curiosity.  What a wonderful way to be.  And it fits when you look back on Sting’s career.  Someone else who is driven by achievement or perfection might find his approach frustrating. It’s all about your attitude.  The lens through which you view your current situation depends a lot on what motivates you, and what motivates you influences how you view your current situation.  It works both ways.

When there’s an underlying driving force, you feel pulled forward versus the feeling of pushing sand up a hill that you get when you’re working outside or against what motivates you. The specific circumstances become secondary.  If you’re motivated by learning, you can follow that urge in all aspects of your life – at work, at home, in your hobbies, with your family.  However, if you have a job where you’re not learning and you don’t create another outlet to express that part of yourself, you’ll feel bored, disconnected, frustrated, and bitter. 

Money is a surface-level motivation and it’s just not enough.  Dig deeper and you’ll find a motivator that speaks to who you at the core as a person.

I’m motivated by self-expression.  When I took up ballroom dancing I didn’t have any illusions about becoming a great or even good dancer.  What I enjoyed was learning a wide range of ballroom and Latin dances and then exploring the character of each dance trying to bring forward those aspects of myself.  It sometimes took some digging, but it was part of the fun for me.

So, what drives you?  What motivates you?  Is it:  adventure, discovery, curiosity, achievement, having an impact, solving a problem, bringing order to chaos, security, creating, inspiring, teaching? 

I have a client who is a senior manager for a large company.  After many years successfully managing her line of business, she was offered an opportunity to join a team to develop a new system to replace the core infrastructure of her company.  It was a prestigious position.  They wanted an ‘A’ team, and she would be representing the core business stakeholders’ interests on the ‘it’ program. She was ready for a change and was passionate that the new system meet the needs of her internal clients. After the initial learning period she didn’t like her job but couldn’t figure out why. She was frustrated and worse still, she was losing favor with her management.

We started at square one:  what are you motivated by – what drives you. Working together we determined she's motivated by achievement.  She’s a ‘get it done’ person with a really strong sense of responsibility and the discipline to go with it.  It's been a key contributor to her successful career which started in sales.  But she soon discovered that activities like sitting in 4 hour roundtable status meetings drove her nuts and brought out the worst aspects of her ‘get it done’ drive.  Turns out that working on a job where ‘done’ was five years away, regardless of the money and prestige, was not the job for her.  Once she recognized this disconnect, we developed coping strategies for those situations she found particularly frustrating, and she started looking for another job inside her company.  She’s now in a different position which she is crafting around her motivations and strengths.

Understanding what drives you, what pulls you forward, is a great first step in creating a life you love.  I use an assessment to provide a 10,000 foot view, and it’s a great tool to begin the discovery process.  What would your assessment reveal about you and what could you do with that information?  If you’d like to find out, call me.

Stepping Past Fear

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."  Those famous words from Franklin D. Roosevelt have inspired millions of people since he spoke them at his inaugural in 1933.  Does fear have you in its grasp?

Strange thing about fear.  It can keep you thinking small lured by the comfort, safety and security of the status quo.  But it can also make you think too big trying to see into the future and framing multiple nightmare scenarios that may never come to pass. 

The worst thing about fear is it robs you of your confidence at a time when you need it most.  It clouds your thinking, and I know from past experience that fear-based decisions, whether in your personal or business life, rarely work out.  They come from a dark place and generally speak to the most pessimistic and negative aspects of any situation.

I have some really scary things going on my life right now.  In addition to the pressures of building my new coaching business, it’s time for my mother to move out of the house she’s lived in for 30 years (and loves) into a facility where the care she needs is close at hand.  At the same time, my dear, feisty 14 year old cat, Remy, is very sick, and I may have to make the really hard decision to end his life within the next couple of weeks. I’m devastated, and keeping it together right now is a challenge. 

So how am I coping?  I imagine myself walking across a river concentrating only on stepping to the next stone.  If I allow myself to wallow in ‘what might be’ or to project forward to the end of both my loved ones’ lives, I’d fall into that raging river and get swept away.  I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning and wouldn’t be of any use to either Mom or Remy at a time when they most need me to be brave for them. 

Therefore, my mantra right now is: stay focused on what’s going on today and don’t make any decisions before their time.  I’m seeing a couple of benefits to this approach: each decision is being made only when needed so I’m not torturing myself with multiple irrelevant options, and all decisions are based on the facts as I know them at the time.  I’m doing the best I can each day and at each step, which is perfect.  (Remember the definition of perfect: it’s the best you can do that day. See Lessons from Yoga http://transitionsparkcoaching.blogspot.com/2010/10/lessons-from-yoga.html.)

If you’re also facing a scary situation, take things one stepping stone at a time, don’t make any decisions until its time, and don’t let fear sap your confidence.  “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage,” wrote Anais Nin. 

Having a coach to partner on your journey can provide support when you need it most.  For a complimentary, no obligation coaching session, give me a call, and I’ll help you stay grounded in ‘what is’ instead of falling victim to your nightmares.

Play To Your Strengths

In honor of the new Harry Potter movie, there were reruns of older Potter movies on tv last weekend which kept me glued to the tube.   I’m such a fan.  In Goblet of Fire before Harry faces the dragon challenge Professor Moody asks him, “what are your strengths?”  He goes on to say:  the other contestants are older and more experienced – they’ll have a strategy that plays to their strengths.  What are Harry’s strengths?  After thinking a minute Harry says, “I can fly.”  But he’s worried that the rules don’t allow him to bring a broom to the challenge.  Moody responds:  “You’re allowed a wand.”  Harry then uses his wand to call his broom, and the dragon chase is on. 

There are a number of great lessons in this sequence.  Harry used what he had (his wand) to call on resources that would enable him to use his strength (flying).  He wasn’t limited by the constraints of the rules.  In fact, those rules were designed to push Harry to get creative. 

Once Harry takes off on his broom, his challenge (a really mean dragon) breaks its chain to follow.  The same thing can happen to you.  The challenges you face can follow you to cause problems no matter where you go.  The key is to always look to your strengths to help you.  Even after Harry got knocked off his broom, he worked hard to it back because he knew the only way out of danger was to fly.  He didn’t try to conjure up something else.  He stuck with what he knew was his strength and triumphed in the end.

Do you know what your natural talents and strengths are?  When do you shine?  Have you ever done something that was challenging for some but effortless, easy and fun for you?  Discover the answer to these questions and then find ways to orient your job to play to those strengths.  You’ll be amazed at what you’ll accomplish and how much your confidence will grow. 

I often hear from clients that they don’t know what their strengths are, and they don’t know how to adjust their activities to play to those strengths. Just like flying, it takes practice, but it’s a life-changing journey worth starting. Once you become aware of your strengths, when you really own and appreciate them and consciously put them to work in your life, wonderful results happen.

So, if you don’t know what your strengths are, how do you find out?  Sometimes it’s hard to see what you look like when your nose is pressed up against the mirror.  You need to create a little distance to get some perspective.

One easy way to do this is carry a little notebook with you and anytime you feel like you’re really firing on all cylinders write down what you’re doing.  Don’t judge, just write down a brief note.  After a few weeks, look back over your notes and identify trends.

My favorite resource, however, is Gallup’s StrengthsFinder assessment.  The current version, StrengthsFinder 2.0, is a really powerful tool.  Once you take the online assessment you’ll get a detailed report listing your top 5 talent themes along with some great ideas on how to put those strengths to work. (Hint:  don't buy  this book used.  You need the one-time login contained in a sealed packet at the back of the book to take the assessment.)  

This is the heart of my coaching practice, and I’ve developed a four week package called Excavate Your Best Self Intensive where we work together to uncover your strengths so you can begin to put them to work for you every day.  If you’re interested in learning more, contact me at pnorton93@comcast.net, and let's get started.

Prosperity Meter

A couple of weeks ago my friend, Gary Schmidt, forwarded me an entry from the Abundance Blog at Marelisa Online (http://abundance-blog.marelisa-online.com/)  This is a great blog – check it out!  Here’s an extract from that entry:

Keith Cameron Smith explains in  The Top 10 Distinctions Between Millionaires and the Middle Class that millionaires think long-term, while everyone else thinks short-term. He breaks society down into five groups, and explains how each group thinks:

1.       The very poor think day to day.

2.       Poor people think week to week.

3.       The middle class thinks month to month.

4.       The rich think year to year.

5.       The very rich think decade to decade.

The very poor and the poor seek to survive; the middle class seeks comfort; and the rich and the very rich seek freedom.

The author adds that the middle class wants instant gratification: whatever they want, they charge it on their credit card or make a down payment with the intent of paying out the balance later on. After all, they’re focused on comfort. The rich put freedom ahead of gratifying immediate wants. It’s this long-term thinking that allows them to pull ahead.

The author was referencing financial wealth, but what about other types of wealth?  After all, money isn’t everything.  What about health wealth?  Or career wealth?  Can you think of ways to apply these same concepts to those important dimensions of your life?

It’s easy to see how this prosperity meter applies to health.  When my Dad was in the hospital he was on life support for the final three weeks.  It was truly day-to-day survival for him until the end.  Very, very poor health.  I acknowledge that I’m instant gratification girl when it comes to my daily diet and exercise habits.  I don’t have any serious issues other than being out of shape and too heavy – at least not yet.  But when I read the Abundance blog entry, it hit me:  I’m living on borrowed time. I need to get a grip on this aspect of my life before I slip down a notch on the meter.  I need to start adopting the behaviors of someone who is rich in health, putting off my immediate wants (pizza, ice cream, and a nap...) for long-term benefits.

What about your career wealth?  Over the past month or so I’ve spoken with multiple clients who were so burned out by their jobs they were struggling to get themselves to go to work the next day.  It was a struggle just to make it through the week until the weekend.  Many other people I know have jobs they don’t enjoy, jobs that don’t challenge them or enable them to utilize the best of themselves.  They’ve gotten comfortable with just showing up, and then they stay in those jobs year after year because of that comfort and the money.  People with rich careers have annual goals they’re working on.  They're pushing themselves and taking risks to get that next promotion or start their own business.  The truly career wealthy have a multi-year career plan.

What about you?  How many aspects of your life can you apply this framework to, and where do you fall on the meter?  Regardless of the answer, what steps can you take to begin the process of moving up a notch towards wealth whether it’s financial, health, career or any other dimension.

New Beginnings

October 30 is an important day in my life.  It was 14 years ago today that my Dad died, and it was one year ago today that I walked out of the office and said goodbye to my job at Washington Mutual after 10 years.  On this one day I allow myself to wallow in sadness remembering loved ones and dear friends who I miss so much.

But with each ending has come a new beginning.  An essential part of every hero’s journey is the loss of a mentor, someone who provided guidance and made the hero feel safe.  For Harry Potter it was Dumbledore, and for Luke Skywalker it was the loss of Obi Wan.  Karen Blixen (aka Isak Dinesen) lost just about everything in Africa – her health, her money, the love of her life.  She then moved back to her family in Denmark and became one of literature’s most beloved writers.

Loss is a sad but essential step on anyone’s journey, and it doesn’t have to be a death to qualify as a loss.  But through loss the hero is forced to tap into all they’ve learned, to stand on their own and come into their true potential.  Grieving is important, but even more important is how you create a new beginning from your loss.  What will you chose? 

One experience I’ve chosen many times in my career is going to work for a new company taking a job that at a lower level job than what I had left.  When I got laid off as International Product Development Manager at First Interstate Bank in 1991 I moved back to Seattle, played around with running a dress shop, worked for a year as a contractor in a bank that got bought, then got a job with a software company as a temp secretary.  Getting any job in a new industry was interesting and challenging for me.  Also, my self-confidence was not high, so I didn’t think I’d qualify for anything more senior.  After a year I moved up the ranks to project manager, and then after couple of years I got re-org’d to managing product localization, which was an orphan function in a company that wanted to grow international revenues.  I did that job so well that management decided to make localization an integral part of the software development process, and the need for a separate department was gone as was my job.  So I got a job with one of the localization vendors as a sales person.  I had never done sales before so I was back to square one. I sucked at sales! But I applaud myself for being willing to go back to being a beginner – like when I took up ballroom dancing at the age of 39.  I love that about me!

Now, after leaving the corporate environment I’m a beginner again.  Learning to work for myself without an existing structure of goals and processes (and financing) has been a challenge, but I’m learning loads every day from my clients and my experiences.

If you find yourself reeling from a loss and therefore on the threshold of a new beginning (even if you can’t see it yet), you have an exciting, enlightening, and kinda scary time ahead.  Here are two things to keep in mind:

• Give yourself credit for capabilities and knowledge you’ve accumulated that can be put to use in any situation. Try to ‘unbrand’ your experience.  You may have a background in one industry or one type of situation, but think of your experience in generic terms.  In fact, don’t limit your experience gained on the job just to other job situations.  Think of your life as a whole.
• Develop a ‘beginner’s mind.’  If you’re feeling insecure about being a newbie, rather than trying to fake it, have an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions.  You'll learn faster.  One famous saying is:  In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few.   

Hiring a coach is a great way to get support, new perspectives, and an accountability buddy.  I know you can do it, and I’d love to partner with you on this stage of your journey – I’ve been there.