Conquering the 'F' Word

Do you have a dream, but are afraid to move forward?  Are you carrying around baggage from a previous disappointment and hesitant to go through that experience again?  The ‘F’ word – fear and it’s partner, doubt, are real and need to be faced head on.

What if my dream doesn’t come true?  There’s an old saying:  you’ve only failed when you stop trying.  Your dream may not come true exactly the way you envision it today.  Adjust and adapt.  Perhaps you’ll identify a new opportunity or a new niche that interests you.  Go for it!  You may need to implement in phases due to financial considerations or time constraints.  That’s OK.  Just don’t dumb your dream down or reduce it because of those factors.  Keep an eye on the destination and allow zig zags and stepping stones to be part of the journey.

What if I don’t have what it takes to make my dream come true?  Actually, you may not, especially if your dream is really big. Do you want to open a high-end restaurant because you love to cook, but your current job is in accounting?   You’ll need to go back to school.  Do you want to be an entrepreneur but you’ve never even owned a lemonade stand?  The transition from corporate employee to business owner can be rocky and full of ‘learning’ experiences.  Trust me – I’m on that road right now.  Be open to learning and summon up the confidence to stumble.  Acknowledge where and who you are today, and look at who you need to be.  Then take action to fill the gap.  Even small steps build momentum.

What if it turns out I don’t really want what I’m dreaming about?  What if I’m disappointed once my dream comes true?  There are some people who aren’t satisfied with anything.  They hide in dreams or say, my life would be great if only….  Others are driven by ego and ‘shoulds’ imposed by their younger self or parents. Start with acknowledging who you are today.  Be grateful for today.  Truly look at your life and find the good things now.  Make a commitment and implement daily practices to stay conscious of those nuggets and figure out how create more of them in your life.  Once you stop hiding in fantasies or clinging to ideas that aren’t true for you anymore and start living your life today – now – your true dreamer will emerge.

What if it’s harder than I think it’s going to be?  No surprise here - it will be.   The bigger your dream the harder it’s likely to be.  What an adventure!  It will require you to learn and demonstrate persistence, courage, and strategic thinking,  You’ll need to let go of the myth that you can do it all on your own.  You’ll need to build a team of people to help and support you.  Your precious ego is going to take a beating.   Think how different you’ll be two years from now.

What if it’s easier than I think it’s going to be?  Lucky you – everyone will be green with envy.  Next step – dream bigger.

What if everyone tells me I’m nuts for wanting to pursue my dream?  A lot of people will.  Listen to their concerns and incorporate their advice and feedback into your plans.  If their feedback is to abandon your dream, smile, say thank you and move forward.  Your heart and gut is the best judge of what’s right for you.

What if I run out of money while pursuing my dream?  Part of your planning needs to include financial resources.  Part of the zig-zagging may mean staying in your current job for awhile longer, or getting a part-time or contract job while you build your dream.  Perhaps you’ll need investors, which means you’ll need help learning how to swim in the shark tank.  That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue your dream.  It just means you’ll need a very detailed plan.

If you have a dream, I’d love to be your dream coach.  I have a proven 10 step process which has helped thousands of dreams come true.  It will teach you key skills and techniques you can use over and over for making any dream a reality.  Contact me, and let’s get started on making 2012 the year your dream comes true.

The Hero Worship Game

A few months ago I signed up for a workshop.  I looked forward to it for weeks, but it now goes on the list of times in my life when I’ve felt the most horrible about myself.  There’s a handful of events that are on that list, but it’s been over 25 years since the previous time.  As I walked back to my rental car – yes, I traveled for this workshop – I knew a full-blown pity party was on the horizon.

Just for fun, on the way to the airport I thought, what would someone else do or think in this situation?  Here’s my list:

What would Jane Austen do?  She’d stand back, make keen observations about human nature and create subtle and spot-on character assassinations which she’d then weave into a simple story.

What would (insert the name of your favorite super hero) do?  The image of Batman came to mind – Michael Keaton in the opening of the first movie when he dropped the bad guy off the roof saying, “I’m Batman,” while Prince music blasted (OK, throbbed) in the background.  Love it!

What would Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or (fill in the name of your least favorite reality character) do?  They’d say in a whiny voice, it’s not my fault.  I’m so rich and beautiful.  I don’t understand why no one loves me.  Boo hoo.

What would Harry Potter do?  He’d suck it up, grit his teeth, and rely on his friends to help him find the strength and resolve to get through it. 

What would Harry Houdini do?  Disappear – poof!

What would Butch and Sundance do?  Jump off a cliff after cracking the best joke in the history of movie dialog (in my opinion).  Sundance:  I can’t swim.  Butch:  Are you crazy?  Hell, the fall will probably kill you.  Sundance:  Oh shittttttt...

What would your inner 4 year old do?  Burst into tears (OK, I did that in the car) crying elephant tears, wail,  and end up with red and puffy eyes.  Apologies to my fellow Alaska Airlines flyers.

Finally a couple of days later, I came around to the often-used, but still worthwhile question:  what would Oprah do?  She’d accept and acknowledge how she feels, but then she’d look for the lesson.  I got out my journal and filled pages. 

Next time you have a bad or disappointing experience, play this game.  Make it fun!  Who is your favorite author, superhero, movie character, or other inspiration?  Let your imagination and snarky sense of humor run wild.  Just remember to end up with Oprah, acknowledge how you really feel and then look for a lesson that you can carry forward.

Step-by-Step

I’ve always hated to be asked, when you were little what did you want to be when you grew up.  For one thing, that was a lonnnnnggggg time ago, and second, I never thought about it.  Same thing at work: where do you want to be in 5 years?  Alive, happy, successful, not broke, not ill, not much else comes to mind.

Thinking back over the patterns in my life, the pattern of taking things just a step at a time is what I see.  When I got divorced at 21 I just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other.  I was heartbroken and humiliated, but I knew I had to move forward even if it was just with little steps.  I decided not to go back to college because it seemed to me at the time like a step backwards.  It was important for me to move forward – to lean into my life.

I never had a big career plan, I just took the next opportunity that seemed right to me at the time.  I even moved to LA in 1985 not knowing anyone, but it was the right thing to do at that time, and I didn’t have any doubts.  When I got laid off 7 years later, it was an easy decision to move back to Seattle.

When I got laid off again in 2009 I had to decide whether to look for another corporate job or start my own coaching business.  Finding another corporate job would have been the comfortable, familiar route, but I had already decided I wanted to be a professional coach.  I wanted to stop doing all the ‘corporate’ stuff and move forward in a career that expresses who I’ve always been as person.  Like Michelangelo, I chipped away at the marble until the statue appeared.

Thinking back over these scenarios I see a pattern.  I haven’t forced big leaps, I’ve just made decisions when I’ve come to a crossroads and always with the intent of moving forward even when it was scary.

Sometimes a client will describe their career as being an escalator that they stepped on out of college, and they’ve just passively ridden along ever since.  Now they don’t like where they’ve ended up and want a career makeover.  What’s missing for them is an overall vision of the direction they want to take. 

The women’s magazines lately have featured a theme of reinvention and makeovers.  The thought is tempting:  sit in a chair for 2 hours and let someone else give me new hair, makeup and clothing and I’ll be a new me.  Or spend 10 days on a structured eating, exercise and journaling program, and I’ll be reinvented at the end.  Tempting.  I’d like to snap my fingers and be different, but I know it doesn’t work like that, at least not for me.  That’s just not how I’m wired. 

I’m a ‘one foot in front of the other’ person.  What works for me is to have a vision of the overall direction I want to go, and then just move forward one step at a time. The progress seems glacial until you look back over a span of time.  I have some friends who set goals and then focus all their energy on meeting them, but they sometimes lack that higher-level vision of where they want their lives to go.  It’s like they’re running wind sprints all the time. 

Make a list of the big change points and crossroads in your life.  Think about the patterns and recurring themes.  What insights do you get?  What lessons are you being given the chance to learn, over and over again?  Do you think you ‘should be’ one way, but when you look back over your life, do you see someone different?  Instead of feeling bad or inadequate, try working with how you’re wired.  You don’t have to settle for status quo, but move forward and approach changes in a way that works for you and works with who you are.

Value Your Self

Do you see the value in yourself? Or should I say your self?

People come to me as a career coach for a variety of reasons – they’re having performance issues at work and need to figure out how to dig themselves out, they want a power-packed resume so they can find a new job, they want to identify their dream job because the path they’re on isn’t where they want to be anymore. 

People start out seeking coaching around their jobs and career, but after a few sessions (how many depends on the person), the wall between ‘career’ and ‘life’ begins to crumble.  Work/life balance?  Is there such a thing?  Issues at work but nowhere else in your life?  Not likely, although they may appear different on the surface.   Career is easy to talk about.  It’s at arm’s length, held at a distance as a separate entity.  People sometimes even speak about themselves at work as if it were a different person.  Over time, they begin to see that it’s not.

If you want to make a change in your career, whether it’s to improve and grow in your current job or find a new one, the first step is to explore and understand how you create value at work.  How do you do that voodoo that you do so well?  Everyone seems to start at the same point.  We think about what we do but totally overlook the value of our contributions and accomplishments to our team, our projects, our customers, our company.  People often say to me, I don’t think about that – I just do my work. 

If you don’t recognize and appreciate the value of your work, no one else will either.  It’s the classic fairy tale.  Are you hoping Prince/Princess Charming (aka your boss) will see the jewel you really are through your humble, ash-covered exterior?  It wasn’t a true story when you were a kid, and it’s not a true story today.  If you need to dwell in that land of make-believe, read romance novels.  In the real world you don’t have to brag, you don’t have to take credit for work you didn’t do or for work done by your team.  But to truly thrive at work, you need to ‘own’ your accomplishments and the contributions you make.  Stand proud in your space and find joy in being you.

It’s a journey and oftentimes I start by working with clients to update their resume even if they aren’t looking for another job.  Just the process of talking about their work history, and discovering how to express strengths and accomplishments by recapping results delivered begins to unlock a new self image.  I remember when I first took the StrengthsFinder assessment and sat down with my team to review my top five talent themes.  I had this epiphany:  I didn’t need to be good at everything, and I was OK with things that aren’t natural talents for me because, dang, I’m really good at what I’m good at.  Stepping into your own space can lead to a powerful shift.  It’s like letting the genie out of the bottle.  That genie, by the way, can help make your dreams come true.

So to make changes in your career, whether you change jobs or not, start with identifying and appreciating your strengths, accomplishments, and the unique ways you create results and therefore value.   To make changes in your life, let that wall between your work self and the rest of you come down and follow the same path.  Identify and appreciate your strengths, accomplishments, and the unique ways you create value for your family, your loved ones, your friends, your community, and anyone else who touches your life.  Let the genie out of the bottle and see the value in your self. 

I’d love to support you on this journey.  Let’s start with talking about your career.  Who knows where it will lead – perhaps to the life of your dreams.

Ode to Steve Jobs

My MacBook, iPhone, an iPod are sad today mourning the loss of Steve Jobs. So am I. The media reminds us that we’ve lost a great visionary who was an inspiration to people all over the world even outside the technology industry.

As I read these wonderful tributes, they seem incomplete.  No…I don’t need the details of his personal life, although I’m sure some magazine will dig those up to make a profit.  While Steve Jobs may have been an extraordinary visionary, he must have also been extraordinary in many other ways to be able to bring his visions to life. 

To have a vision is one thing – a wonderful thing – but you need more than creativity.  It needs a foundational purpose that will inspire others to adopt it as their own, and this will fuel the fire for doing the hard work needed to make that vision a reality. 

I know so many people who have great ideas and grand visions, but their ideas aren’t grounded in a purpose other than to boost their bank balance and ego.  I saw a sign on a church down the street:  Heart is happiest when it beats for others.  Purpose provides the fuel, and when the purpose is ‘other’ centered, the foundation is rock solid.  Steve Jobs had a sense of purpose to make daily lives better.  In my opinion this formed the foundation for his visionary thinking and gave his creativity a target.

His communication and presentation skills were also extremely strong.  When he spoke, people were mesmerized.  I read a book on the techniques he used to craft and present his message.  The key was simplicity (and tons of editing).  He understood his vision so well that he was able to condense it down to its core and then communicate it in simple terms so others could not only understand it, but were inspired to follow.  When the vision is yours, that’s easier to do. 

In my corporate job I had to listen to a lot of presentations.  I could always tell when someone was presenting other people’s ideas or content or were presenting to an audience who didn’t share a common vision.  Their message was often muddled.  They needed to dwell on details and complexity in an effort to sound like they knew what they were talking about or to compensate for a lack of shared vision.  It was usually a disaster.

Having ideas is fun!  But if you aren’t ready, willing, and able to do the hard work to take those ideas and turn them into reality, they just stay inside your head.  As often happens, someone else will have a similar idea, but they will do the hard work to make it happen, and poof!  Your great idea is making someone else’s dreams come true. 

We’re bombarded with stories of fast and easy money.  I’m so sick of it!  (That’s a rant I’ll save for another post.)  If you want a great example of someone who had an idea out of the blue and put in the hard work to make it happen, check out April Morris’ story.  Express Effects Cosmetics  I met April at the Dream University conference I attended a couple of weeks ago, and I’m now a big fan.  She had an idea while in her car one day – I wonder if you could add an appetite suppressant to lip gloss to help people lose weight.  It took her years to turn that idea into a product, THINgloss^®, but she was driven by the underlying purpose to create a better life for her two kids.  She leveraged her strengths so she could change careers, which enabled her to fund her prototype, went back to school to become an herbalogist so she could work with chemists to develop the prototype, and then started marketing.  She now has success beyond her wildest dreams.

Do you have an idea that’s burning a hole in your head?  Check to make sure it’s driven by an other-centered purpose, clarify your vision so you can communicate it clearly so others will be inspired to join you, and make sure you’re ready, willing, and able to do the hard work.  Who knows, you could become your own version of Steve Jobs.

Lean Into Your Dreams

I didn’t want to be seen. 

After paying thousands of dollars to attend a five day workshop on how to become an inspiring speaker; traveling to San Francisco; putting my 15 year old cat, Remy, into a cage at the vet for a week (He hates that and will make me pay.), I didn’t want to be seen. 

It was Saturday night – day 4.  Earlier in the week we had spent a day with one of the top professional speakers in the country learning how to craft our message; a day with one of the top vocal coaches in Hollywood learning how to create a deeper, more resonant voice; and a half day with one of the contributing writers on the original Saturday Night Life to learn how to incorporate humor into our talks.  Such great content! Of course I took a TON of notes wanting to absorb everything.  On open mic night we would have a chance to take the stage for two minutes to showcase what we had learned in front of 100 fellow attendees. 

I hadn’t planned on speaking.  Instead I donned my ‘coach’ hat and worked with my roommate, Joyce (www.conversationswithyourself.com) to get her ready.  The workshop leader asked how many people would not be speaking. I thought, I’ll just watch, so I raised my hand.  But what it came down to was I had reached the boundary of my comfort zone, and I pulled back. 

What’s up with that?  I’ve led workshops on how to prepare and give presentations.  Why was I uncomfortable in this environment?

Later in the evening one of the participants told a great story which really summed up my issue:

One day a chicken and pig were talking in the barnyard.  They were so grateful to Farmer Bob for taking such great care of them.  “Let’s fix him a dinner,” said the chicken.  “What a great idea,” said the pig, “what should we fix?”  “How about bacon and eggs,” said the chicken.  The pig said, “That may be OK for you – for you that’s participation, for me it’s commitment.”

Yes, I did get up and speak.  In fact, I was so annoyed with my timid self that I was the fifth speaker that night out of about 70.  I kept hearing my own voice telling my clients to lean forward and stretch past their comfort zones. How could I say that I wanted to become an inspiring speaker and then wimp out when given the opportunity?  And let’s face it, two minutes is a “pin prick on a gnat’s ass,” as my Dad would say. 

So I talked about that very thing – how I didn’t want to be seen that night, yet I leaned into it.  In fact, one gal from Australia, who told a hilarious story about having bladder issues at key times in her life, said that she hadn’t planned to speak, but after hearing me she got up the gumption to get up on stage. I guess I am an inspiring speaker after all!

OK, it’s your turn.  When have you set a goal, invested time and money to pursue a dream, or wanted to make a change in your life or your job?  What happened?  Did you lose heart when the rubber met the road or did you lean in?  Were you participating or committed? 

If you have a dream or goal you’re working on now I’d love to help you lean into it and stretch past your comfort zone.  Contact me.

Activate Your Dreamer

When was the last time you sat down and allowed yourself to dream?  I’m not talking about fantasies  – uuuhhhhh, maybe I’ll win the lottery some day and then I’ll have enough money so I can finally call the shots in my life.  No, I’m talking about dreams.  What’s the difference between a dream and a fantasy?  You can’t control the outcome of a fantasy.   Go ahead and buy all the lottery tickets you can afford, but there’s nothing else you can do to influence the outcome.

A dream is something you can work towards, something you can make happen.  Don’t completely dismiss your fantasies.  There might be a dream hiding in there.  Do you dream of calling the shots in your life?  What does that really mean to you?  Working for yourself, being an entrepreneur, or a business owner?   Perhaps you have a dream of doing work you love and getting paid well for it.  Or you dream of enjoying the benefits of living a healthy lifestyle, being financially secure, or being in love.

Put your dreams and fantasies through the test:  is there action you can take to make your dream/fantasy come true?   If the answer yes, you’ve got a dream.  If the answer is no, you’ve got a fantasy.  Fantasies are fun; they’re the stuff that fairy tales and romance novels and made of, and who doesn’t love that?  But dreams change the world.  History is filled with wonderful examples of dreamers who worked hard and who took action on their dreams.  Can you think of some examples?  Do you know anyone who had a dream and then made that dream come true?  A dream doesn’t have to have global reach, and you don’t have to be a bazillionaire or a celebrity.  Your dream is as good anyone’s - it just has to mean something to you.

My neighbor, Carol, loves Hawaii.  It’s a place that feeds her soul.  She loves it so much that she scrimps and saves her money and vacation allowance to she can go every for a month every year.  Now that she’s retired, she’s working towards relocating there. 

In 1992 Pasado, a beloved 21 year old donkey who lived at Kelsey Creek Farms in Bellevue, was brutally killed by 3 teenage boys.  A local newscaster, Ruth Walsh, was so upset by event that she quit her job and formed Pasado’s Safe Haven.  Nineteen years later they’re one of the premier animal rescue organizations in the country dedicated to 24-hour rescue and rehabilitation of dogs, cats and farm animals.  Ruth and many others have a dream – and they put commitment and action behind that dream every day - that no animal should suffer Pasado’s fate.  Check them out – they’re a wonderful organization.  Pasado’s Safe Haven  

Countries have been discovered, humans have walked on the moon, and ideas have turned into inventions because people dream.  And of course there’s the famous quote from Martin Luther King:  “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.” 

So if you’ve lost touch with your Dreamer, make a conscious effort to reconnect.  Don’t shy away from the fear of being disappointed.  How can your dreams come true if you don’t have any?

There are techniques to manifesting your dreams – specific skills and mindset which can support you along the way.  If you have a dream you’d like to pursue, I’d love to support you on that journey.  I offer the Making Your Dreams Come True program from Marcia Wieder, America’s Dream Coach™, which has helped thousands of people pursue their dreams. Contact me and let’s get started.

Overcoming Your Doubts

Have you ever noticed voices in your head?  Our ego - our sense of self - has multiple parts including a cast of Inner Protectors.  These Inner Protectors’ job it is to keep us safe. Back in the day, they helped us determine who was friendly and who was not, how we should behave, and in combination with our instincts and intuition generally kept us from getting eaten or murdered.

For most of us, the level of daily danger and peril has really come down in the past few thousand years, but our Inner Protectors are still on the job. Today they’re the source of our doubts and limiting beliefs.  When things are going well and we’re functioning inside our comfort zone, these voices are quiet.  But contemplate something new or different, something “dangerous,” and these inner protectors start talking.  The bigger the change or the further outside our comfort zone we contemplate, the louder those voices become. 

I’ve identified 3 main voices for me:  a Risk Manager, a Critic, and a Skeptic.  You may have some of these same voices or perhaps you have an Image Consultant, a Judge, a Cynic, or a Cry Baby.

The picture in my mind’s eye of the Risk Manager is an old-fashioned banker.  He wears a dark pin-striped suit and smokes cigars.  He’s very condescending, and wants to make sound decisions.  When I decided to leave a corporate career and start a coaching business I felt strongly that if I didn’t do it now, I never would.  My heart was in charge of the decision, so I had to spend a lot of time arguing with my logical and data-driven Risk Manager (and a few friends), who said,  “Hmmmmmm… you do read the news, don’t you?  We’re in a recession; do you understand what that means? You don’t have unlimited money, and you’ve never run your own business.  This sounds risky.  I need to see a budget and business plan.”

When I think of my Critic, I see the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live.  “Well…aren’t you just special? There are thousands of coaches; why would anybody hire you?”  It took me a year to get a website up and running because nothing was ever good enough for my inner Critic.  

My Skeptic voice is quick on the draw and has a panicky edge.  I was at a seminar in March, and walking into my hotel room after a long day I had an epiphany.  That’s the only word I can think of to describe the feeling.  A voice – strong and sure – said “I’m going to get 100,000 people to contribute to Women for Women International in a year.”  It came out of the blue, but the voice and the goal were so clear.  Just as I was thinking, Wow, where did that come from, another frantic voice screamed:  “How the hell are you going to do that?”  It hit me upside the head and was so immediate and adamant, it made me laugh.

My Inner Protectors are there to keep me safe, but I used to give them too much power.  They kept me from taking chances and pursing my dreams.  So I had to develop a different strategy:  I turned them into an advisory committee.  When those voices pop up, I just say, OK, I’ve got a pencil and paper, I’m listening, give me your list of concerns.  The Risk Manager usually wants more information, the Critic is concerned about quality, and the Skeptic wants to know the plan. 

Those things then become part of the solution rather than being unmovable obstacles that stop me in my tracks.  Try that strategy next time you hear an inner voice planting seeds of doubt and tickling your limiting beliefs.