How often do you assume you know what someone else is thinking or what they mean?
Mistaken assumptions can be a huge emotional energy drain. We whip ourselves up into a frenzy of hope or anger by projecting our own thoughts and opinions onto others. We assume everyone sees the world the same way we do and forget that people have different viewpoints and life experiences. ‘Forget’ is the nice way of putting it. Sometimes we refuse to acknowledge a different perspective or we don’t allow someone to have a viewpoint that’s different from our own. Assumptions can then pile on top of each other until the crash landing that comes when the assumption bubble bursts.
If this sounds like a familiar challenge for you, make an effort to validate your assumptions. You could do that a couple of ways. Start by asking questions to get clarification and make sure you understand, or ask for additional information that will help you see things from another’s point of view. You won't look stupid, you will look interested - a very attractive quality.
Having a strong connection with your own intuition doesn’t let you off the hook here. Yes, there are some highly intuitive people who can sense the mood of others or read a room, but you still need to validate your assumptions.
I love this quote from Stephen Hawking in a British Telcom commercial: “Mankind’s greatest achievements have come about by talking and its greatest failures by not talking.”
I had an interesting experience a couple of years ago when I worked at WaMu. Each morning I’d stop at Starbucks to get coffee and then make a beeline for my desk. My staff, who sat in the nearby cubes, knew that I like to be quiet in the morning until I’ve had my coffee, so they’d leave me alone. But one day a gal who sat on the same side of the floor came up to me, shaking and very upset, demanding to know why I disliked her so much. I was stunned! Of course I recognized her as someone whose desk was a few rows over from mine, but I didn’t know her name. Since she cornered me, I had to admit that fact and asked why she thought I didn’t like her. She said it was because when I walked by in the morning I always gave her a dirty look. I explained about my pre-coffee state of mind and that if I’m not smiling my face often looks angry even when I’m not (which is unfortunately getting worse with age). I apologized for being rude in not acknowledging her and promised to do better.
The impression that remained long after I calmed down from being cornered and accused of disliking someone I didn’t even know, was that this poor women had created a massive assumption about me and had been upset for weeks. Yes...pre-coffee diva-ish behavior on my part, but honestly, why would she want to do that to herself? It seemed and still seems like such a waste of energy.
I recently read an article about a group of teenagers visiting the U.S. from Qatar. They said America is not like what they see on tv and the movies, and Arabs are not as they are portrayed either. They felt the bottom line is the world will be better when we aren’t afraid to ask questions and give answers to each other.
Think about that next time you catch yourself making assumptions. The trick, of course, is to catch yourself making assumptions in the first place. I’ve found that the more comfortable you become with who you are – your character, your strengths, your values, your passions, and your purpose – and the more you appreciate your own uniqueness, the more interested you become in the unique aspects of others.
And that’s when your own world becomes a better place.
