Feel Your Feelings

Spring is springing, which means I’m in a flurry of de-cluttering and cleaning.  It’s become apparent that I’ve bought (but not necessarily read) almost every self-help book published.  I know this because I’ve been dusting books for two days now.  My collection has grown over the years, and I could open my own shop or lending library.

I also read magazine after magazine.  Looking at all of this mess, I realize that I’m seeking a golden nugget of knowledge, that key that will push me over the edge to finally lose the weight, become more disciplined and focused, meet a great man, and generally have the life of my dreams (which looks, oddly enough, like the photos in Sunset Magazine – NW edition).  

A few months ago I read something (in a magazine) that slapped me in the face:  people change because of how they feel, not because of what they know. 

Hmmmmmm I spend a lot of time and money distracting myself so I won’t feel my feelings.  And I know I’m not alone here. 

Every week I talk to people who are hesitant to face their feelings or who are numb.  Something is wrong at work, or in their relationship, or in some other aspect of their life, but they cringe and don’t want to dive down too deep.  It’s too scary or sad or frustrating to examine what’s going on.   

What if it’s time to leave their company and find somewhere else with opportunity for growth?  How would it feel if they acknowledged they’re bored – would that mean they’re lazy?  What if they ended their unfulfilling relationship - would they meet someone new?  It feels like opening Pandora’s box. 

We find ways to not feel our feelings because our feelings are often painful.  But it’s important to accept and honor our feelings. There’s a great quote: 

Change will come when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.

We’re having feelings for a reason, and if we ignore them, we’re ignoring a powerful catalyst for change.   I used to tell my staff, you can’t fix what you won’t acknowledge. 

So, what are you feeling?  Or are you employing techniques to avoid feeling your feelings such as searching for answers outside yourself in books or your horoscope, vegging in front of the tv, shopping, playing video games? 

As part of your spring cleaning, wake up and tune back in to yourself.   Take stock of what you’re really feeling and identify doable actions you can take now to begin to address the areas that need sprucing up.  Embrace any pain that comes up and recognize it for what it is – a sign that it’s time for change. 

As always, I’d love to support you on your journey.  Contact me.

The Platinum Rule

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  The Golden Rule.  This teaching, in some form, exists in all of the world’s religions and has guided societies across cultures through the ages.  It speaks to extending your own humanity to others.

Let me introduce you to the Platinum Rule:  Do unto others as they need.  It doesn’t have the same pizzazz – the same level of name recognition as The Golden Rule, but I hope it will become one of your guiding principles as it has become one of mine. 

I can trace the seeds back to my childhood.  I adored my father.  He wasn’t around much when I was growing up.  His job at Boeing kept him on the road for months at a time.  As his only daughter we always had a special connection, and we got really close after he retired.

Dad’s been gone now for over 15 years, and I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t think about him or want to discuss something with him.

Dad had a difficult and lonely childhood growing up in New Orleans.  He didn’t talk about it much, but he used to tell me stories of going to Texas A & M just before World War II when hazing was integral to that school’s culture.  Imagine a little blonde girl sitting in bed listening to her Dad tell stories about running at night with his classmates across a field being chased by a mob of upper classmen who would beat up the slower runners.  He was proud that he survived, and he felt like a part of something, I think, for the first time in his life.  It gave me nightmares

During college he was a great tennis player.  When I heard that I asked him for lessons.  He said, I’ll only play with you when you get good enough.  I got the same response when I asked him to teach me to how to play gin rummy.  Mom said in the Army he earned lots of extra money because he was such a card shark.  Again, he wouldn’t play with me until I got good enough.  

Looking back after he died, I see that he was trying to motivate me, encouraging me to learn and grow by giving me goals to work towards.

He followed his version of the Golden Rule.  He did the best he knew how to do based on how he was raised and who he was as a person. I truly believe he would be devastated if he knew that instead of inspiring me to achieve his words made me feel small, insignificant and not good enough.  How I wish he’d followed the Platinum Rule with me.

You see, while I love my Dad, I’m a different person.  What inspired and motivated him didn’t inspire and motivate me.  In fact, it had the opposite affect.

When I became a manager 30 some odd years ago, I made a real mess of things at first.  In fact, I had to fire my first employee because I was such a bad manager.  Luckily I got the opportunity to keep learning, and the Platinum Rule became my key to success.

I remembered what it felt like to not be recognized for being me.  I remembered that the wrong words or type of motivation, no matter how well intentioned, could stop me in my tracks.  Over the years I learned to make the effort to really see my staff  – their strengths and talents, how they learn and what motivated them.

It took extra effort on my part, but nothing was more rewarding for me than to watch people step into their full potential while producing above and beyond results. 

The Golden Rule has been a foundation of societies for centuries.  When it really matters, though, when it comes to the most important people in our life whether family, friends, or coworkers, follow the Platinum Rule.   Recognize what’s unique and special about those key people and then find ways to give them what they need, no matter how different that is from what you need and want.