New Beginnings

October 30 is an important day in my life.  It was 14 years ago today that my Dad died, and it was one year ago today that I walked out of the office and said goodbye to my job at Washington Mutual after 10 years.  On this one day I allow myself to wallow in sadness remembering loved ones and dear friends who I miss so much.

But with each ending has come a new beginning.  An essential part of every hero’s journey is the loss of a mentor, someone who provided guidance and made the hero feel safe.  For Harry Potter it was Dumbledore, and for Luke Skywalker it was the loss of Obi Wan.  Karen Blixen (aka Isak Dinesen) lost just about everything in Africa – her health, her money, the love of her life.  She then moved back to her family in Denmark and became one of literature’s most beloved writers.

Loss is a sad but essential step on anyone’s journey, and it doesn’t have to be a death to qualify as a loss.  But through loss the hero is forced to tap into all they’ve learned, to stand on their own and come into their true potential.  Grieving is important, but even more important is how you create a new beginning from your loss.  What will you chose? 

One experience I’ve chosen many times in my career is going to work for a new company taking a job that at a lower level job than what I had left.  When I got laid off as International Product Development Manager at First Interstate Bank in 1991 I moved back to Seattle, played around with running a dress shop, worked for a year as a contractor in a bank that got bought, then got a job with a software company as a temp secretary.  Getting any job in a new industry was interesting and challenging for me.  Also, my self-confidence was not high, so I didn’t think I’d qualify for anything more senior.  After a year I moved up the ranks to project manager, and then after couple of years I got re-org’d to managing product localization, which was an orphan function in a company that wanted to grow international revenues.  I did that job so well that management decided to make localization an integral part of the software development process, and the need for a separate department was gone as was my job.  So I got a job with one of the localization vendors as a sales person.  I had never done sales before so I was back to square one. I sucked at sales! But I applaud myself for being willing to go back to being a beginner – like when I took up ballroom dancing at the age of 39.  I love that about me!

Now, after leaving the corporate environment I’m a beginner again.  Learning to work for myself without an existing structure of goals and processes (and financing) has been a challenge, but I’m learning loads every day from my clients and my experiences.

If you find yourself reeling from a loss and therefore on the threshold of a new beginning (even if you can’t see it yet), you have an exciting, enlightening, and kinda scary time ahead.  Here are two things to keep in mind:

• Give yourself credit for capabilities and knowledge you’ve accumulated that can be put to use in any situation. Try to ‘unbrand’ your experience.  You may have a background in one industry or one type of situation, but think of your experience in generic terms.  In fact, don’t limit your experience gained on the job just to other job situations.  Think of your life as a whole.
• Develop a ‘beginner’s mind.’  If you’re feeling insecure about being a newbie, rather than trying to fake it, have an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions.  You'll learn faster.  One famous saying is:  In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few.   

Hiring a coach is a great way to get support, new perspectives, and an accountability buddy.  I know you can do it, and I’d love to partner with you on this stage of your journey – I’ve been there. 

The Road to Hell is Paved With Shoulds

Are you trapped in a cycle of comparing yourself to others?  Perhaps you want to feel better about yourself:  I’m not as overweight as she is, so my problem isn’t so bad.  Or are you looking for someone else’s experience to make decisions for you:  He went from customer service rep to section lead and now he’s a vice president, so I want my next job to be section lead.  A really destructive variation on this theme is making competitors out of teammates:  I need to position myself as better than her which will make me feel more competent.  Do you find yourself thinking: by this time in my life I should be making more money, I thought I would be more successful by now (a disguised ‘should’), I should know more, do more, have more, be more, more, more, more.

If you find yourself in this situation, and many of us have been guilty in one form or another, stop and ask yourself: what is it that you really need, and why are you looking outside of yourself for motivation or validation?  What is your inner voice trying to tell you?  You might say, inner voice?  I don't have an inner voice.  Comparing yourself to others and living with the amped up noise of should makes it really hard to hear your intuition and the voice of your best self. 

I have an associate who gets intimidated by really polished corporate types.  They project an air of confidence and power that impresses him.  When they do nothing more than walk into a room, he feels they’re smarter, more successful, and that he's subservient no matter what their relative corporate position is.  Their image is everything he feels he's not and wished he were - when he's around them he feels he should be more, but that's just not who he is.

Looking back, it seems this conflicted feeling was one clue that he was on the wrong path.  When it comes down to a contest between a should and your true nature, guess who will win.  This inner battle might rage on for years, but eventually your true nature will win out every time. The question is, how much and for how long will you engage in this struggle?  

The road to hell is paved with the word ‘should,’ and the route we travel is often chosen because of how we think we stack up to others.  The first step to getting off this treadmill is awareness.  Notice how often you use the word should.  You may need to ask your friends and family to call it to your attention because it’s a tricky one to catch.  Also begin to take note of situations when you find that you’re comparing yourself to others.  Are there particular issues that are triggers?

Working with a coach is a great way to develop the ability to stand in your own space and learn to listen to your inner voice.  Contact me for a complimentary, no obligation 30 minute coaching session, and begin to follow your own path.

The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

Let’s face it, sex sells.  But underlying this universal truth of advertising is an even deeper truth:  confidence attracts.

If you’ve recently gone through a change, whether it was good or bad, your choice or not, your self-confidence may have taken a hit.  Perhaps you were laid off and are looking for a new job, or you’ve recently started a new job.  You could be stretching past your comfort zone to try something new professionally or personally like taking on a new project or trying a new sport. 

Whatever the situation, you’re feeling like a newbie and more than a little unsure of yourself.  You may be feeling small as you look around and see other people who are more advanced. They know their way around the company while you’re trying to figure out who’s who, or they know the steps in dance class while you keep apologizing for stepping on your partner’s toe.  We've all been there.

True confidence comes from inside.  Compliments and positive feedback are nice as a bonus, but depending on them to give you confidence will not work in the long run.   Instead, how about if you stop thinking like a 13 year old and just acknowledge and accept where you are right now, be proud of the fact that you’re on your own journey, and stop comparing yourself to others.  That’s so much easier said than done, but any effort in that direction will yield good results.   Here are a few steps you can take to begin to boost your own confidence.

First, smile.  By this I mean a simple, sincere, head up, shoulders down, look-em-in the eye, warm smile.  I don’t mean the simpering, embarrassed, hunched over, eyes down, half-laughing goofy grin that pops up when we’re trying to be self-deprecating to get people to like us.  Just relax, be brave, and smile.  You’ll look confident – perhaps way more confident than you feel.

Have you ever noticed that runway models, don’t smile when they’re doing their pony walk down the catwalk? They’re supposed to look assured, confident, comfortable in their own skin and the clothes they’re wearing.  And they’re skinny, for crying out loud!  But you’ll never see them smile.  Why?  It’s not only because they’re hungry, it’s because a smile will draw the eye to their face making the clothes less noticed.  Since the point of a fashion show is to showcase the clothing, a smile would be a distraction.  Remember this next time you feel under dressed or not quite happy with how you look.  Smile, and people are less likely to notice or care what you’re wearing or the shape of your body. 

Second, take the focus off yourself and focus on making a connection with other people. Since childhood we’ve been taught the Golden Rule, to treat others as we’d like to be treated which translates into extending our own humanity to others.  But how about if you take it a step further and treat others as they’d like to be treated.  This takes lots of listening and may take some time to discern, but just making the effort will distract you from your own insecurities.

Third, recognize and appreciate all the great things about you – your strengths, your natural talents, the things that makes you unique.  You don’t have to be good at everything, in fact an essential part of the journey is coming face-to-face with a learning opportunity; i.e., things we suck at.  There are people who will shine in those areas, but it doesn’t have to take anything away from you.

Confidence comes not only from what you’ve accomplished, but also from an inner knowing of what you’re capable of.  You won’t gain this inner wisdom if you only do things that are comfortable and come easily.  You have to put yourself on the line, take a risk, learn and grow.  Interview a confident person, and you’ll see that they don’t have all the answers, but they know they can handle situations that might arise.

If you’ve lost your mojo, I have a four week, five session coaching package called Excavate Your Best Self Intensive where we work together to uncover your strengths so you can begin to recognize and acknowledge your best self.  I also have a version called Resume Intensive where we develop a strengths-based resume to support your job search.  If you’re interested in learning more, contact me at pnorton93@comcast.net, and let's get started.

Lessons from Yoga

Just before I turned 30, I starting feeling aches and pains that I had never felt before.  So for my birthday while visiting family in Seattle I bought my first yoga book, Bikram’s Beginning Yoga Class. Bikram's Beginning Yoga Class (Second Edtion)I read the entire book on the plane back to LA, and I remember that first day of practice, spreading the book out on the floor in my living room.  I practiced yoga every day after work and on the weekends for the next few months, and the changes were phenomenal. 

I looked different, I felt different, and the way I moved was different.  It surpassed my wildest dreams, but for some unknown reason, once I reached a certain level, my practice began to dwindle to the point where I haven’t practiced for years.  It’s a classic example of knowing intellectually what to do, but not doing it - kind of like reading a magazine about healthy eating while having a burger and fries at Red Robin. (Guilty!)

As I approach my birthday 25 years later I’m resolving to get back to my yoga practice.  In preparation I’m rereading my well worn book, and I’m reminded of two key lessons I’ve applied for many years to other areas of my life. 

First is the concept of ‘perfect.’  What does ‘perfect’ mean to you?  For many it means attaining the ideal that implies comparison with others, being better than anyone or anything, flawless appearance, flawless performance, flawless.   The meaning I learned and have used in my life is “perfect is the best you can do that day.”  It’s not a comparison to anyone but yourself, and it’s not a comparison with yesterday or tomorrow. This lesson is all about releasing attachment to the outcome and focusing on the effort in the now.  It runs counter to many methods by which we’re managed or manage ourselves like: focus on results, bottom line compensation, sales quotas, pounds lost, training time, etc.  These might be great progress measures, but you can’t control every factor, you can only control yourself, and every day is different.

We all know when we haven’t done our best, so acknowledge when that’s the case. But if you did your best with all your heart, it’s perfect.  Be open to the learnings that come with any experience and incorporate them into your future efforts, and you’ll progress from there.

The second lesson is that you will only make progress if you push past the boundary of discomfort.  You don’t have to go to the point of pain, in fact that’s dangerous and risky.  Just go slowly, feel when you start to get uncomfortable and then stretch a little more.  If you’re consistent and give it your all, that discomfort point will move further away.

To grow my coaching business, I need to get out in front of people and start giving speeches.  I know this, and I’ve written a few speeches that got good reviews from friendly readers.  But standing up in front of a room full of strangers and giving a 20 minute talk scares me.  I’ve reached my discomfort point, and pushing past it feels very risky. So I joined Toastmasters to help me develop skills and confidence. 

I gave my first speech last night, and it went great!  I won the grammarian award for best use of language, and I tied for best speech.  But more importantly I got valuable experience.  I tend to get overexcited in front of a group and talk nonstop really fast.  In fact, I didn’t even pause when the audience laughed, and by the end of the 5 minute speech I was gasping for breath.  It seems I had forgotten to inhale.  Many fellow Toastmasters told me they did exactly the same thing, and they gave me great tips and feedback.  Now I’m looking forward to giving my next talk, and I’m confident that soon I’ll muster up the courage to get myself booked to speak in front of an audience of strangers.  I’ve found my point of discomfort and I’m stretching past it, which feels perfect.

Knowing is not the same as doing, and getting support for pushing past your discomfort are two great reasons people hire a coach.  If you find yourself in a similar situation let’s set up an introductory coaching session - I know what you're going through.