Driving Force

Last week on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, there was an interview with Sting that struck a chord with me.  Jon asked Sting about the wide variety of musical genres that he works with implying that he is kind of all over the place.  Sting replied that he liked experimenting with different things to see how they’ll turn out.  He only likes about 1 out of every 10 attempts, but that’s OK because he’s driven by curiosity.

Driven by curiosity.  What a wonderful way to be.  And it fits when you look back on Sting’s career.  Someone else who is driven by achievement or perfection might find his approach frustrating. It’s all about your attitude.  The lens through which you view your current situation depends a lot on what motivates you, and what motivates you influences how you view your current situation.  It works both ways.

When there’s an underlying driving force, you feel pulled forward versus the feeling of pushing sand up a hill that you get when you’re working outside or against what motivates you. The specific circumstances become secondary.  If you’re motivated by learning, you can follow that urge in all aspects of your life – at work, at home, in your hobbies, with your family.  However, if you have a job where you’re not learning and you don’t create another outlet to express that part of yourself, you’ll feel bored, disconnected, frustrated, and bitter. 

Money is a surface-level motivation and it’s just not enough.  Dig deeper and you’ll find a motivator that speaks to who you at the core as a person.

I’m motivated by self-expression.  When I took up ballroom dancing I didn’t have any illusions about becoming a great or even good dancer.  What I enjoyed was learning a wide range of ballroom and Latin dances and then exploring the character of each dance trying to bring forward those aspects of myself.  It sometimes took some digging, but it was part of the fun for me.

So, what drives you?  What motivates you?  Is it:  adventure, discovery, curiosity, achievement, having an impact, solving a problem, bringing order to chaos, security, creating, inspiring, teaching? 

I have a client who is a senior manager for a large company.  After many years successfully managing her line of business, she was offered an opportunity to join a team to develop a new system to replace the core infrastructure of her company.  It was a prestigious position.  They wanted an ‘A’ team, and she would be representing the core business stakeholders’ interests on the ‘it’ program. She was ready for a change and was passionate that the new system meet the needs of her internal clients. After the initial learning period she didn’t like her job but couldn’t figure out why. She was frustrated and worse still, she was losing favor with her management.

We started at square one:  what are you motivated by – what drives you. Working together we determined she's motivated by achievement.  She’s a ‘get it done’ person with a really strong sense of responsibility and the discipline to go with it.  It's been a key contributor to her successful career which started in sales.  But she soon discovered that activities like sitting in 4 hour roundtable status meetings drove her nuts and brought out the worst aspects of her ‘get it done’ drive.  Turns out that working on a job where ‘done’ was five years away, regardless of the money and prestige, was not the job for her.  Once she recognized this disconnect, we developed coping strategies for those situations she found particularly frustrating, and she started looking for another job inside her company.  She’s now in a different position which she is crafting around her motivations and strengths.

Understanding what drives you, what pulls you forward, is a great first step in creating a life you love.  I use an assessment to provide a 10,000 foot view, and it’s a great tool to begin the discovery process.  What would your assessment reveal about you and what could you do with that information?  If you’d like to find out, call me.

Stepping Past Fear

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."  Those famous words from Franklin D. Roosevelt have inspired millions of people since he spoke them at his inaugural in 1933.  Does fear have you in its grasp?

Strange thing about fear.  It can keep you thinking small lured by the comfort, safety and security of the status quo.  But it can also make you think too big trying to see into the future and framing multiple nightmare scenarios that may never come to pass. 

The worst thing about fear is it robs you of your confidence at a time when you need it most.  It clouds your thinking, and I know from past experience that fear-based decisions, whether in your personal or business life, rarely work out.  They come from a dark place and generally speak to the most pessimistic and negative aspects of any situation.

I have some really scary things going on my life right now.  In addition to the pressures of building my new coaching business, it’s time for my mother to move out of the house she’s lived in for 30 years (and loves) into a facility where the care she needs is close at hand.  At the same time, my dear, feisty 14 year old cat, Remy, is very sick, and I may have to make the really hard decision to end his life within the next couple of weeks. I’m devastated, and keeping it together right now is a challenge. 

So how am I coping?  I imagine myself walking across a river concentrating only on stepping to the next stone.  If I allow myself to wallow in ‘what might be’ or to project forward to the end of both my loved ones’ lives, I’d fall into that raging river and get swept away.  I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning and wouldn’t be of any use to either Mom or Remy at a time when they most need me to be brave for them. 

Therefore, my mantra right now is: stay focused on what’s going on today and don’t make any decisions before their time.  I’m seeing a couple of benefits to this approach: each decision is being made only when needed so I’m not torturing myself with multiple irrelevant options, and all decisions are based on the facts as I know them at the time.  I’m doing the best I can each day and at each step, which is perfect.  (Remember the definition of perfect: it’s the best you can do that day. See Lessons from Yoga http://transitionsparkcoaching.blogspot.com/2010/10/lessons-from-yoga.html.)

If you’re also facing a scary situation, take things one stepping stone at a time, don’t make any decisions until its time, and don’t let fear sap your confidence.  “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage,” wrote Anais Nin. 

Having a coach to partner on your journey can provide support when you need it most.  For a complimentary, no obligation coaching session, give me a call, and I’ll help you stay grounded in ‘what is’ instead of falling victim to your nightmares.

Play To Your Strengths

In honor of the new Harry Potter movie, there were reruns of older Potter movies on tv last weekend which kept me glued to the tube.   I’m such a fan.  In Goblet of Fire before Harry faces the dragon challenge Professor Moody asks him, “what are your strengths?”  He goes on to say:  the other contestants are older and more experienced – they’ll have a strategy that plays to their strengths.  What are Harry’s strengths?  After thinking a minute Harry says, “I can fly.”  But he’s worried that the rules don’t allow him to bring a broom to the challenge.  Moody responds:  “You’re allowed a wand.”  Harry then uses his wand to call his broom, and the dragon chase is on. 

There are a number of great lessons in this sequence.  Harry used what he had (his wand) to call on resources that would enable him to use his strength (flying).  He wasn’t limited by the constraints of the rules.  In fact, those rules were designed to push Harry to get creative. 

Once Harry takes off on his broom, his challenge (a really mean dragon) breaks its chain to follow.  The same thing can happen to you.  The challenges you face can follow you to cause problems no matter where you go.  The key is to always look to your strengths to help you.  Even after Harry got knocked off his broom, he worked hard to it back because he knew the only way out of danger was to fly.  He didn’t try to conjure up something else.  He stuck with what he knew was his strength and triumphed in the end.

Do you know what your natural talents and strengths are?  When do you shine?  Have you ever done something that was challenging for some but effortless, easy and fun for you?  Discover the answer to these questions and then find ways to orient your job to play to those strengths.  You’ll be amazed at what you’ll accomplish and how much your confidence will grow. 

I often hear from clients that they don’t know what their strengths are, and they don’t know how to adjust their activities to play to those strengths. Just like flying, it takes practice, but it’s a life-changing journey worth starting. Once you become aware of your strengths, when you really own and appreciate them and consciously put them to work in your life, wonderful results happen.

So, if you don’t know what your strengths are, how do you find out?  Sometimes it’s hard to see what you look like when your nose is pressed up against the mirror.  You need to create a little distance to get some perspective.

One easy way to do this is carry a little notebook with you and anytime you feel like you’re really firing on all cylinders write down what you’re doing.  Don’t judge, just write down a brief note.  After a few weeks, look back over your notes and identify trends.

My favorite resource, however, is Gallup’s StrengthsFinder assessment.  The current version, StrengthsFinder 2.0, is a really powerful tool.  Once you take the online assessment you’ll get a detailed report listing your top 5 talent themes along with some great ideas on how to put those strengths to work. (Hint:  don't buy  this book used.  You need the one-time login contained in a sealed packet at the back of the book to take the assessment.)  

This is the heart of my coaching practice, and I’ve developed a four week package called Excavate Your Best Self Intensive where we work together to uncover your strengths so you can begin to put them to work for you every day.  If you’re interested in learning more, contact me at pnorton93@comcast.net, and let's get started.

Prosperity Meter

A couple of weeks ago my friend, Gary Schmidt, forwarded me an entry from the Abundance Blog at Marelisa Online (http://abundance-blog.marelisa-online.com/)  This is a great blog – check it out!  Here’s an extract from that entry:

Keith Cameron Smith explains in  The Top 10 Distinctions Between Millionaires and the Middle Class that millionaires think long-term, while everyone else thinks short-term. He breaks society down into five groups, and explains how each group thinks:

1.       The very poor think day to day.

2.       Poor people think week to week.

3.       The middle class thinks month to month.

4.       The rich think year to year.

5.       The very rich think decade to decade.

The very poor and the poor seek to survive; the middle class seeks comfort; and the rich and the very rich seek freedom.

The author adds that the middle class wants instant gratification: whatever they want, they charge it on their credit card or make a down payment with the intent of paying out the balance later on. After all, they’re focused on comfort. The rich put freedom ahead of gratifying immediate wants. It’s this long-term thinking that allows them to pull ahead.

The author was referencing financial wealth, but what about other types of wealth?  After all, money isn’t everything.  What about health wealth?  Or career wealth?  Can you think of ways to apply these same concepts to those important dimensions of your life?

It’s easy to see how this prosperity meter applies to health.  When my Dad was in the hospital he was on life support for the final three weeks.  It was truly day-to-day survival for him until the end.  Very, very poor health.  I acknowledge that I’m instant gratification girl when it comes to my daily diet and exercise habits.  I don’t have any serious issues other than being out of shape and too heavy – at least not yet.  But when I read the Abundance blog entry, it hit me:  I’m living on borrowed time. I need to get a grip on this aspect of my life before I slip down a notch on the meter.  I need to start adopting the behaviors of someone who is rich in health, putting off my immediate wants (pizza, ice cream, and a nap...) for long-term benefits.

What about your career wealth?  Over the past month or so I’ve spoken with multiple clients who were so burned out by their jobs they were struggling to get themselves to go to work the next day.  It was a struggle just to make it through the week until the weekend.  Many other people I know have jobs they don’t enjoy, jobs that don’t challenge them or enable them to utilize the best of themselves.  They’ve gotten comfortable with just showing up, and then they stay in those jobs year after year because of that comfort and the money.  People with rich careers have annual goals they’re working on.  They're pushing themselves and taking risks to get that next promotion or start their own business.  The truly career wealthy have a multi-year career plan.

What about you?  How many aspects of your life can you apply this framework to, and where do you fall on the meter?  Regardless of the answer, what steps can you take to begin the process of moving up a notch towards wealth whether it’s financial, health, career or any other dimension.

New Beginnings

October 30 is an important day in my life.  It was 14 years ago today that my Dad died, and it was one year ago today that I walked out of the office and said goodbye to my job at Washington Mutual after 10 years.  On this one day I allow myself to wallow in sadness remembering loved ones and dear friends who I miss so much.

But with each ending has come a new beginning.  An essential part of every hero’s journey is the loss of a mentor, someone who provided guidance and made the hero feel safe.  For Harry Potter it was Dumbledore, and for Luke Skywalker it was the loss of Obi Wan.  Karen Blixen (aka Isak Dinesen) lost just about everything in Africa – her health, her money, the love of her life.  She then moved back to her family in Denmark and became one of literature’s most beloved writers.

Loss is a sad but essential step on anyone’s journey, and it doesn’t have to be a death to qualify as a loss.  But through loss the hero is forced to tap into all they’ve learned, to stand on their own and come into their true potential.  Grieving is important, but even more important is how you create a new beginning from your loss.  What will you chose? 

One experience I’ve chosen many times in my career is going to work for a new company taking a job that at a lower level job than what I had left.  When I got laid off as International Product Development Manager at First Interstate Bank in 1991 I moved back to Seattle, played around with running a dress shop, worked for a year as a contractor in a bank that got bought, then got a job with a software company as a temp secretary.  Getting any job in a new industry was interesting and challenging for me.  Also, my self-confidence was not high, so I didn’t think I’d qualify for anything more senior.  After a year I moved up the ranks to project manager, and then after couple of years I got re-org’d to managing product localization, which was an orphan function in a company that wanted to grow international revenues.  I did that job so well that management decided to make localization an integral part of the software development process, and the need for a separate department was gone as was my job.  So I got a job with one of the localization vendors as a sales person.  I had never done sales before so I was back to square one. I sucked at sales! But I applaud myself for being willing to go back to being a beginner – like when I took up ballroom dancing at the age of 39.  I love that about me!

Now, after leaving the corporate environment I’m a beginner again.  Learning to work for myself without an existing structure of goals and processes (and financing) has been a challenge, but I’m learning loads every day from my clients and my experiences.

If you find yourself reeling from a loss and therefore on the threshold of a new beginning (even if you can’t see it yet), you have an exciting, enlightening, and kinda scary time ahead.  Here are two things to keep in mind:

• Give yourself credit for capabilities and knowledge you’ve accumulated that can be put to use in any situation. Try to ‘unbrand’ your experience.  You may have a background in one industry or one type of situation, but think of your experience in generic terms.  In fact, don’t limit your experience gained on the job just to other job situations.  Think of your life as a whole.
• Develop a ‘beginner’s mind.’  If you’re feeling insecure about being a newbie, rather than trying to fake it, have an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions.  You'll learn faster.  One famous saying is:  In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few.   

Hiring a coach is a great way to get support, new perspectives, and an accountability buddy.  I know you can do it, and I’d love to partner with you on this stage of your journey – I’ve been there. 

The Road to Hell is Paved With Shoulds

Are you trapped in a cycle of comparing yourself to others?  Perhaps you want to feel better about yourself:  I’m not as overweight as she is, so my problem isn’t so bad.  Or are you looking for someone else’s experience to make decisions for you:  He went from customer service rep to section lead and now he’s a vice president, so I want my next job to be section lead.  A really destructive variation on this theme is making competitors out of teammates:  I need to position myself as better than her which will make me feel more competent.  Do you find yourself thinking: by this time in my life I should be making more money, I thought I would be more successful by now (a disguised ‘should’), I should know more, do more, have more, be more, more, more, more.

If you find yourself in this situation, and many of us have been guilty in one form or another, stop and ask yourself: what is it that you really need, and why are you looking outside of yourself for motivation or validation?  What is your inner voice trying to tell you?  You might say, inner voice?  I don't have an inner voice.  Comparing yourself to others and living with the amped up noise of should makes it really hard to hear your intuition and the voice of your best self. 

I have an associate who gets intimidated by really polished corporate types.  They project an air of confidence and power that impresses him.  When they do nothing more than walk into a room, he feels they’re smarter, more successful, and that he's subservient no matter what their relative corporate position is.  Their image is everything he feels he's not and wished he were - when he's around them he feels he should be more, but that's just not who he is.

Looking back, it seems this conflicted feeling was one clue that he was on the wrong path.  When it comes down to a contest between a should and your true nature, guess who will win.  This inner battle might rage on for years, but eventually your true nature will win out every time. The question is, how much and for how long will you engage in this struggle?  

The road to hell is paved with the word ‘should,’ and the route we travel is often chosen because of how we think we stack up to others.  The first step to getting off this treadmill is awareness.  Notice how often you use the word should.  You may need to ask your friends and family to call it to your attention because it’s a tricky one to catch.  Also begin to take note of situations when you find that you’re comparing yourself to others.  Are there particular issues that are triggers?

Working with a coach is a great way to develop the ability to stand in your own space and learn to listen to your inner voice.  Contact me for a complimentary, no obligation 30 minute coaching session, and begin to follow your own path.

The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

Let’s face it, sex sells.  But underlying this universal truth of advertising is an even deeper truth:  confidence attracts.

If you’ve recently gone through a change, whether it was good or bad, your choice or not, your self-confidence may have taken a hit.  Perhaps you were laid off and are looking for a new job, or you’ve recently started a new job.  You could be stretching past your comfort zone to try something new professionally or personally like taking on a new project or trying a new sport. 

Whatever the situation, you’re feeling like a newbie and more than a little unsure of yourself.  You may be feeling small as you look around and see other people who are more advanced. They know their way around the company while you’re trying to figure out who’s who, or they know the steps in dance class while you keep apologizing for stepping on your partner’s toe.  We've all been there.

True confidence comes from inside.  Compliments and positive feedback are nice as a bonus, but depending on them to give you confidence will not work in the long run.   Instead, how about if you stop thinking like a 13 year old and just acknowledge and accept where you are right now, be proud of the fact that you’re on your own journey, and stop comparing yourself to others.  That’s so much easier said than done, but any effort in that direction will yield good results.   Here are a few steps you can take to begin to boost your own confidence.

First, smile.  By this I mean a simple, sincere, head up, shoulders down, look-em-in the eye, warm smile.  I don’t mean the simpering, embarrassed, hunched over, eyes down, half-laughing goofy grin that pops up when we’re trying to be self-deprecating to get people to like us.  Just relax, be brave, and smile.  You’ll look confident – perhaps way more confident than you feel.

Have you ever noticed that runway models, don’t smile when they’re doing their pony walk down the catwalk? They’re supposed to look assured, confident, comfortable in their own skin and the clothes they’re wearing.  And they’re skinny, for crying out loud!  But you’ll never see them smile.  Why?  It’s not only because they’re hungry, it’s because a smile will draw the eye to their face making the clothes less noticed.  Since the point of a fashion show is to showcase the clothing, a smile would be a distraction.  Remember this next time you feel under dressed or not quite happy with how you look.  Smile, and people are less likely to notice or care what you’re wearing or the shape of your body. 

Second, take the focus off yourself and focus on making a connection with other people. Since childhood we’ve been taught the Golden Rule, to treat others as we’d like to be treated which translates into extending our own humanity to others.  But how about if you take it a step further and treat others as they’d like to be treated.  This takes lots of listening and may take some time to discern, but just making the effort will distract you from your own insecurities.

Third, recognize and appreciate all the great things about you – your strengths, your natural talents, the things that makes you unique.  You don’t have to be good at everything, in fact an essential part of the journey is coming face-to-face with a learning opportunity; i.e., things we suck at.  There are people who will shine in those areas, but it doesn’t have to take anything away from you.

Confidence comes not only from what you’ve accomplished, but also from an inner knowing of what you’re capable of.  You won’t gain this inner wisdom if you only do things that are comfortable and come easily.  You have to put yourself on the line, take a risk, learn and grow.  Interview a confident person, and you’ll see that they don’t have all the answers, but they know they can handle situations that might arise.

If you’ve lost your mojo, I have a four week, five session coaching package called Excavate Your Best Self Intensive where we work together to uncover your strengths so you can begin to recognize and acknowledge your best self.  I also have a version called Resume Intensive where we develop a strengths-based resume to support your job search.  If you’re interested in learning more, contact me at pnorton93@comcast.net, and let's get started.

Lessons from Yoga

Just before I turned 30, I starting feeling aches and pains that I had never felt before.  So for my birthday while visiting family in Seattle I bought my first yoga book, Bikram’s Beginning Yoga Class. Bikram's Beginning Yoga Class (Second Edtion)I read the entire book on the plane back to LA, and I remember that first day of practice, spreading the book out on the floor in my living room.  I practiced yoga every day after work and on the weekends for the next few months, and the changes were phenomenal. 

I looked different, I felt different, and the way I moved was different.  It surpassed my wildest dreams, but for some unknown reason, once I reached a certain level, my practice began to dwindle to the point where I haven’t practiced for years.  It’s a classic example of knowing intellectually what to do, but not doing it - kind of like reading a magazine about healthy eating while having a burger and fries at Red Robin. (Guilty!)

As I approach my birthday 25 years later I’m resolving to get back to my yoga practice.  In preparation I’m rereading my well worn book, and I’m reminded of two key lessons I’ve applied for many years to other areas of my life. 

First is the concept of ‘perfect.’  What does ‘perfect’ mean to you?  For many it means attaining the ideal that implies comparison with others, being better than anyone or anything, flawless appearance, flawless performance, flawless.   The meaning I learned and have used in my life is “perfect is the best you can do that day.”  It’s not a comparison to anyone but yourself, and it’s not a comparison with yesterday or tomorrow. This lesson is all about releasing attachment to the outcome and focusing on the effort in the now.  It runs counter to many methods by which we’re managed or manage ourselves like: focus on results, bottom line compensation, sales quotas, pounds lost, training time, etc.  These might be great progress measures, but you can’t control every factor, you can only control yourself, and every day is different.

We all know when we haven’t done our best, so acknowledge when that’s the case. But if you did your best with all your heart, it’s perfect.  Be open to the learnings that come with any experience and incorporate them into your future efforts, and you’ll progress from there.

The second lesson is that you will only make progress if you push past the boundary of discomfort.  You don’t have to go to the point of pain, in fact that’s dangerous and risky.  Just go slowly, feel when you start to get uncomfortable and then stretch a little more.  If you’re consistent and give it your all, that discomfort point will move further away.

To grow my coaching business, I need to get out in front of people and start giving speeches.  I know this, and I’ve written a few speeches that got good reviews from friendly readers.  But standing up in front of a room full of strangers and giving a 20 minute talk scares me.  I’ve reached my discomfort point, and pushing past it feels very risky. So I joined Toastmasters to help me develop skills and confidence. 

I gave my first speech last night, and it went great!  I won the grammarian award for best use of language, and I tied for best speech.  But more importantly I got valuable experience.  I tend to get overexcited in front of a group and talk nonstop really fast.  In fact, I didn’t even pause when the audience laughed, and by the end of the 5 minute speech I was gasping for breath.  It seems I had forgotten to inhale.  Many fellow Toastmasters told me they did exactly the same thing, and they gave me great tips and feedback.  Now I’m looking forward to giving my next talk, and I’m confident that soon I’ll muster up the courage to get myself booked to speak in front of an audience of strangers.  I’ve found my point of discomfort and I’m stretching past it, which feels perfect.

Knowing is not the same as doing, and getting support for pushing past your discomfort are two great reasons people hire a coach.  If you find yourself in a similar situation let’s set up an introductory coaching session - I know what you're going through. 

Just Let it Go

Have you had a life change thrust upon you?  It wasn’t your choice, it’s not a change you want, and it required you to make adjustments, compromises, and sacrifices.  Even if the event happened awhile ago, you’re sad, you’re mad, you’re resentful, and you’re scared.  You have so many feelings – none of them good.

Being laid off falls into that category for many people I know.  While they may not have had their dream job, when it got yanked away by someone else, they felt powerless and even now look back on what they lost with regret.  I often feel like reminding these folks: you hated that job, I spent hours listening to you complaining about it – why are you so upset?

The difference, of course, is that we all want to be in charge of our own destiny.  Even if we weren’t in an ideal situation, we want to call the shots – to say when we’ll stay in a job or when we’ll leave.  Having someone else make that decision for us makes us feel powerless.  Does this sound familiar?

In addition to feeling powerless, you might also be paralyzed by fear that it will happen again.  That fear makes it really hard to muster up the confidence to look for another job, especially a better one.  If you have been able to find another job, you may be trying to shrink yourself into a very small being.  Your confidence is low and you feel that if you don’t take any undue risks no one will lay you off again or fire you.  Right?  Wrong!!!

If you’re struggling with any of these feelings in any area of your life, you might be in a state of grieving, mourning a loss.  I read somewhere last week that we feel the pain of loss more than we feel the pleasure of gain.  It’s human nature.

If this is you, it’s time to get on with your grieving.  Mourning isn’t confined to loss of life situations, so as a reminder, here’s a recap of the grieving process (thanks, Wikipedia!).  What’s your current state?  Where are you today and what actions can you take to move through the remaining steps (hopefully speeding through Depression)?

• Denial:  I feel fine.  This can’t be happening, not to me.
• Anger:  Why me?  It’s not fair!  Who is to blame?
• Bargaining:  I’ll do anything for a few more years.  I will give my life savings if…
• Depression:  I’m so sad, why bother with anything?
• Acceptance:  It’s going to be OK.  I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare or accept it. 

Another idea: turn your grieving into gratitude.  What were the good things about your previous situation, what did you learn, and how did it serve you on your journey?  Then close your eyes, take a deep breath, open your heart, and say thank you.  Open your hands and let it go.  Let go of the resentment, the sadness, and the fear because those feelings just keep you trapped in a negative space.  Be grateful for what you had and commit to be consciously grateful for what you have today.  You may want something more or different, but build on a foundation of gratitude.

Rituals are a great way to let go.  Every New Year’s Eve I write a recap of the year and my goals in a special journal and then I write down the things I want to release from my life.  I throw that list into the fire and just watch it burn.  It’s very cleansing.  I have a friend whose marriage recently ended abruptly – not his choice.  He’s on his way to Paris this week, a place he loves, and he’s going to throw his wedding ring into the Seine.  Hopefully he’ll be able to watch it sink and come back renewed and at peace. 

Find a way – whatever works for you – to release and let go.  I’d love to brainstorm other ideas with you (pnorton93@comcast.net) if you get stuck.  And in the words of Michael Scott on The Office, remember:  “Grief isn’t wrong.  There’s such a thing as good grief – just ask Charlie Brown.” 

Dream Job Search

Would you like to find your dream job?  Get paid great money for doing something you love that energizes you every day?  There are a lot of people who are right there with you.

Somehow, we always know how much our dream job would pay us, but can’t seem to put our finger on the job itself.  We search and worry that we’ll never find it.  We’re jealous of people who love, love, love their jobs and blame our parents for not encouraging some prodigy talents out of us when we were kids.  After all, Mozart didn’t ponder what his dream job would be.  He was driven by an incredible talent from a young age, and there was no question what he would do.  He couldn’t help himself. 

Does that make you feel ‘ordinary’ in comparison?  Although for Mozart, the money thing wasn’t there for him.  Couldn’t help himself…money not a deciding factor.  Hmmmm, is there a hint here?

I work with many people who come to our first coaching session saying their number one goal is to find their dream job and want me to help them figure out what that is.  They’re hoping I can give them an assessment that will magically produce the answer – tell them what the job is and how they can get it. 

In my experience, if you go about searching for your dream job by searching for a job, you’re going about it in the wrong order.  I love the exchange in Alice In Wonderland:

Alice came to a fork in the road.  “Which road do I take?” she asked.

“Where do you want to go?” responded the Cheshire cat.

“I don’t know,” Alice answered.

“Then,” said the cat, “it doesn’t matter.”

And you know what, it doesn’t matter – not yet anyway.  First, ask yourself:  who am I at my core?  Not who do my parents want me to be, or who do I need to be to earn the money I want, or even who do I wish I were.  Be honest with yourself, pay attention, and become acquainted with your authentic self.  

I’m a fan of Rick Steves, travel writer and tour guide, and I read an interview where he said at his core he was a teacher.  Rick started out teaching piano.  After going to Europe with his father, a piano importer, to tour piano factories, Rick’s passion for travel was ignited.  He used his earnings from teaching piano to fund his early travels and taught a class, European Travel Cheap, at an experimental college.  His business grew from there starting with travel lectures and travel consulting, both teaching activities.

Rick says, “My passion for travel showed itself in a powerful interest in teaching others from my mistakes.  …I finally had to decide:  teach piano or teach travel.  I chose travel and the rest is a very well used passport.”  From those beginnings Rick built a large, successful business which includes books, DVDs, tv shows, lectures, tours, merchandise, etc.  But at the core, he’s still a teacher – he couldn’t help himself.

So, again, who are you at your core?  Don’t say ‘teacher’ only because I used that example (and wrote about teachers last week).  Are you an explorer, someone who likes to go to the unknown? Perhaps you’re a problem solver, or a natural salesperson who loves the hunt and to build relationships.  I met someone yesterday at a networking event who said she loved to build communities and help people connect.  It’s her passion - who she is – and her enthusiasm radiated.  If we were to look at her biography we’d probably find someone who started as a kid introducing people, hooking people up, making sure people were connecting.

Begin to answer that question:  who are you.  And remember, I’m here to help (pnorton93@comcast.net).  Then start bringing your authentic self into your consciousness and activities every day.  The good news is that you don’t have to find a new job in order to begin.  You can start right where you are today, and your dream job will find you.

We're All Teachers

When I was 18 my mother took me to have my astrological chart done.  The astrologer told me two things:  don’t get married for another 3 years because the element of change will be in my marriage house, and that I was destined to be a teacher.  Being 18, I rejected both.  The marriage 3 months later and subsequent divorce is a closed book, but I’ve often thought about the teacher prophecy.  At the time, the only image I could envision was being a school teacher, a noble profession (just ask my older brother), but not one that called to me. 

However, over the years I’ve learned that being a school teacher isn’t the only path to teaching.  In fact, I believe we’re all teachers in many ways.  Some of us have the title of teacher or trainer and make a living imparting knowledge to others.  Some of us teach and inspire through example (good and bad), and some of us are mentors at work or as volunteers.  Parenting, for better or worse, is a great example of teaching every day; and one of my favorite Dr. Phil-isms is that we teach others how to treat us through our actions and boundaries.

Unlike high school algebra, the lessons we teach either consciously or unconsciously are like the gifts that keep on giving; they can have an impact today and continue for many years – hopefully in a good way. 

I have a former boss and friend, Jennifer, who has a strong bias for action. Being a hardcore procrastinator, it was a real eye opener for me.  My first response to most things is to put it on my To Do list, especially if it’s something new or unfamiliar.  I need to think about it, prioritize it, figure it out, put it off and secretly hope it will go away.  But it usually just turns into a crisis, so not only am I unproductive, I’m stressed!  Then I got hired by Jennifer.  Her first response is always:  let’s take care of that right now.  She’d then just pick up the phone, call someone, and deal with it.  Over the years I learned from and channeled this behavior at work in my corporate environment, and it created an impression that I was a ‘get it done’ girl. Having embarked on a new career path, I’m now finding that just about everything is new, and I’ve fallen into my comfortable procrastinator mode.  Old habits die hard.  I’m less productive than I’d like to be and more than a little stressed about it.  So I’m going back to that lesson I learned ten years ago.  Thank you, Jennifer!

So how do you teach?  And what do you teach?  Do you lead by example, and is that example good or not-so-good?  Are you generous with your expertise?  Do you contribute the best of yourself to the world around you, and do you inspire others to be their best?  Or are you sometimes a cautionary tale?  Do you walk around with a bad attitude and hair trigger temper?  Griping, complaining, gossiping?  What lessons are you teaching and how might these lessons influence and inspire people today and over the years?  And just as important, what are you learning and how are you using those learnings?

As a coach, my way of teaching is to support others in discovering and appreciating the knowledge and truths that lay within themselves. I’ve finally come to realize that the astrologer’s prophecy has come to pass. 

Think about how you can bring your inner teacher and inner student to the surface each day.  Be generous with your knowledge and experience (without being a know-it-all), be conscious of your impact, and at the same time be inspired by others and be open to learning and growing.

Just Be You

Do you feel the need to change something about yourself in order to fit in at work or in a relationship or in your own eyes?  I read an interview a few months ago with Beyonce´where she was describing her stage persona, Sasha Fierce, which she has to don in order to perform her act.  Becoming a different person helped her portray the bold and sexy woman required by her job.

This got me to thinking about the rest of us non-famous people who feel we have to become someone else in order to succeed.  Perhaps your company has an aggressive, win at all costs culture while you strive to create a win/win for everyone.  Your collaborative nature and skills in bringing people together are not appreciated and may even be criticized.  Or perhaps you have a strong get-it-done drive and find that you’re working with people who are more concerned with appearances than results. 

Trying to morph yourself into something you’re not, toiling away every day not being acknowledged and appreciated for all the great things you are is stressful and demotivating.  After awhile it can even begin to chip away at your self-esteem to the point where you start thinking the characteristics that best define you are your biggest faults.  Don’t go there!

If you’re feeling like you have to assume a role in order to fit in or succeed, it’s likely you’re in the wrong situation for you right now.  Perhaps it was the right situation at some time, but not anymore.

Step one is to acknowledge and appreciate your best self for yourself.  No one else can do this for you.  And although it’s nice to get positive feedback and reinforcement, nothing anyone else says can make you accept yourself.  But once you do, nothing anyone else says can knock you down.  Don’t put off this inner journey by believing you have to wait until something is different.  Start today, where you are.  You don’t need to get that promotion, lose those 30 pounds, or meet the man/woman of your dreams to start seeing the best in yourself.

I read some great advice this morning, which I’m happy to pass on to you.  Next time you find yourself doubting something that’s integral to who you are, try saying, “I love that about me.”  Don’t worry about believing it – just say it.  Do you cry at the drop of a hat?  Perhaps you care so deeply about things that it manifests itself physically.  Say, “I love that about me.” Are you an introvert whose job requires you to put aside your private nature?  Instead of saying, “I wish I were more outgoing,” why not say, “I love that about me.” 

I know my own efforts to change in order to fit someone else’s expectations were a waste.  I am who I am no matter how hard I try to be different.  One example:  I have a wicked sense of humor, and the more challenging the environment or situation, the more my humor comes out.  I suppose it’s a coping mechanism and my way of helping alleviate my stress and the stress of others.  I have been advised by multiple managers in the past to be more ‘professional,’ and because of this I’ve always felt a bit dowdy around really polished corporate types. But you know what?  I love my sense of humor.  It’s one of my favorite things about me!

This is not an excuse to indulge in all of your vices and bad habits which reduce the quality of your life.  Those need to be dealt with.  But recognize, acknowledge and appreciate the core of who you are, right now.

Reading another blurb in a magazine last week, Beyonce´ said:  “I don’t need [Sasha Fierce] anymore.  I know who I am [now].”  While I’m not a rabid Beyonce´ fan, I’m interested to see how she evolves her act now that she’s accepting and appreciating her true self. 

How will you evolve?  Take out a piece of paper, write I love that about me! and think of at least ten characteristics that describe you at your core.  If you’d like help with this, I’m here for you (pnorton93@comcast.net).

Who Will You Be Tomorrow?

"The seed you sow today will not produce crop till tomorrow.  For this reason, your identity does not lie in your current results.  This is not who you are.  Your current results are who you were.”  James A. Ray

I was much struck by this quote.  You see, I’m instant gratification girl.  I keep asking myself after a day or two of healthy eating and exercise: why aren’t I skinny yet?  The answer, of course, is that my fitness level is the result of many years of unhealthy habits interspersed with brief episodes of healthy living.  Honestly, there’s not much I can do today to change the result today – not even buying a new outfit (which I’ve tried countless times).  This lesson has been a long time in the learning, and in the meantime I still weigh too much and have contributed huge sums to the bonus plans of multiple credit card companies.

The only thing I can do today is to accept who I am and appreciate where I am on my own journey.  Is there immediate gratification here?  Yes, I’m no longer beating myself up.  If I want to be different tomorrow, I need to choose to make changes in what I do today.  I have to invest in the process and know that the results will only come if I do.  It’s as simple as that. 

I speak to so many people who want to be in a different job.  They don’t know what job – they just don’t want the one they’ve got.  The risk is that succumbing to instant gratification and jumping at the first job offer likely won’t work out.  Even if you feel like you’re in a frying pan today, jumping into the first new job that you think is a safe haven will probably just land you in another frying pan. 

Plotting your next career move is more than a job search.  Like getting fit and healthy, it’s a process of searching first within yourself.  You need to discover what motivates you, understand how you can best use your particular strengths (can you articulate your strengths?), and know your core values because being in any situation which conflicts with your values is very stressful.  

Making changes can be a challenge, and having a buddy to keep you on course, whether it’s a trainer, coach, CPA, or a good friend, will help you maintain your commitment and increase your success.  If you’d like to be supported by a coach, send me an email (pnorton93@comcast.net), and I’ll keep you going. 

Whether you go it alone or with support, starting the journey is the key and the first step whether it’s finding a new job, losing weight, starting a business, getting your finances in order, or anything else is to acknowledge and accept where you are right now and decide to make better choices each day.

Challenging Status Quo Thinking

Do you want to make a change in your personal life, your career, your appearance, your business strategy, or any area of your life?  One barrier to success is succumbing to the quicksand of status quo thinking.

In business being stuck in status quo thinking is fatal.  Competitors who are innovating and improving will lure away your customers until you’ve fallen too far behind to catch up.  Saying that status quo thinking in your personal life is fatal seems overly dramatic (but potentially true).

Movement is a constant in nature, and if you don’t have a mindset oriented to forward movement and growth, you’ll find that the movement you’ll experience is backwards.  One of my favorite images is ‘springtime on the savannah’ outlined in Younger Next Year for Women: Live Strong, Fit, and Sexy - Until You're 80 and Beyond (Yes, there’s a man’s version called Younger Next Year: Live Strong, Fit, and Sexy - Until You're 80 and Beyond.)  The authors outline how humans were designed to grow or decay.  When spring came and they were hunting and gathering, their health improved.  During cold winters when they were sedentary, disease set in. 

Status quo thinking has the goal of preserving continuity, and in times of stress and change, especially change we don’t control, it can be comforting to sit still for a bit.  After all, change creates friction and causes uncertainty. 

But status quo thinking creates habits which breed comfort which prevents change.  It’s a vicious cycle, and the closer to your inner self you look, the harder it is to see that you’re stuck and why.  You just have a strong feeling of discontent combined with hopelessness.

How can you tell if you’re stuck in status quo thinking?

• Do you always do the same things or do things the same way?
• Do you think only in ‘black and white’ or ‘either/or’ terms.  You can’t see any options, and you feel penned in by limitations. 
• Is there an over-focus on measuring, accountability, and processes to save you?  Do you seek to do the same things better? 
• Do you feel like you’re spinning your wheels working hard but not getting anywhere?

If this sounds familiar, here are some steps you can take to break this cycle. 

The key lies in seeking out ingrained habits, customs and perceptions that maintain the status quo. These conventions are hard to see.  They’re buried deep, and we follow them unconsciously. It is impossible to think differently when you cling to the conventions.

Rooting out habits, assumptions and biases requires a lot of honesty and perspective. This is a questioning process, not an answering process. You’ll need to shift perspective, see things (and maybe yourself) in a different light, look at problems and situations in other ways. Put them in another context.

One approach is to think like an annoying kid and ask why.  Why do I just veg out in front of the tv instead of going to the gym?  Because I don’t have any energy.  Why don’t I have any energy?  Because I’m bored.  Why am I bored?  Because my job puts me to sleep by noon. Why does my job put me to sleep?  Because I’m not doing something that challenges me.  Why am I not doing something challenging?  Because I’m scared I’ll fail.  Ahaa.  Keep digging deeper and see if you can ask at least 5 levels of ‘why’ questions.

Imagine how others would do it.  A couple of fun books ask:  what would Jackie O do, and what would Jane Austen do?  Identify someone you admire, and ask:  what would they do?

Brainstorm with a buddy or a coach.  Put all options on the table and don’t rule out anything, no matter how unrealistic.  Try on something you’ve never tried before, and don’t ignore the jokes which inevitably arise during a brainstorming session.  Humor often contains great truth.

Another great quote by an unknown author is:  Change will come when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.  If you’re stuck in your own status quo thinking, send me an email and we'll set up a coaching appointment. I’ll ask you some great questions.

Sometimes a Job is Just a Paycheck

There are times in our lives, say after the loss of a loved one or a health crisis, where our focus is rightly on family or somewhere else, and we aren’t putting our best into our work every day. We’re just showing up. It may be a temporary situation for a few months, or perhaps you took a survival job after a layoff and need to stay put for awhile to recover your equilibrium. Either way, you’re just working for the money right now. And that’s OK. But it’s OK only if you acknowledge it to yourself and accept what comes with it.

Our jobs can enrich our lives in many ways. We find satisfaction in achievement – we love getting things done, we make new friends (My dearest friends are people I met at work.), we enjoy learning something new, figuring something out, meeting a challenge and earning recognition. We get to do something we enjoy most days of the week. In return, we get paid a hopefully great salary that funds our home, our vacations, our family’s education and healthcare, and our eventual retirement.

Oftentimes we get a sense of identity from what we do for a living. “Tell me about yourself.” “Well, I’m a software engineer working for a startup video game company.” That introduction might tell you something about that person – interests, personality, willingness to work hard and take a risk. Our jobs can be a source of self-esteem and self-worth. When things are going well, we’re happy with ourselves and life in general. When things aren’t going so well (or when we screw up), our spirits take a nosedive.

What if you’re in a job that’s just a paycheck, but the paycheck is really big? My good friend, Dave, (who I met at work…) offers an additional perspective:

I don't know if this is true for necessarily everyone, but sometimes you get into a Survival Job and your natural reaction becomes defensive - to protect the paycheck - and when opportunities come along it gets harder and harder to make the jump. It's like quicksand. Alternatively, I've heard people use the term Golden Handcuffs. They hate their job, but they're tied into retention comp plans that they use as an excuse not to even consider anything else. That's not to say staying in a job because of long-term benefits isn't a valid decision - but allowing yourself to become a victim of it can make you miserable.

Amen.

If you’re in a job that’s just a paycheck or if you’ve temporarily checked out due to other priorities, don’t look for anything from your current job situation except to be paid. If you’re looking for a sense of achievement or self-esteem from a job you don’t love, you may come up empty. Big raises, promotions, getting assigned to the hot new project – those rewards go to people who commit and earn them. They don’t go to people who are just showing up. Well, OK, sometimes they go to other people who are just showing up, but doesn’t that piss you off?

If you’re in a job you hate but can’t give up because you can’t walk away from the money, your spirits and self confidence might be so low that you can’t even describe or imagine what a fabulous situation would look like. And that’s a tragedy.

Once you take an honest look in the mirror and own your decision, you can begin to separate getting a paycheck from expressing your best self. You can recognize and appreciate your current situation for what it is – a way to keep you afloat while you deal with other things. And hopefully one of those other things is starting the journey of figuring out how to get yourself on a different road - one that will take you someplace fabulous.